|Current mood:|| blah|
|Current music:||luca turelli- black dragon|
where do i start?
i really don't know where to start. i just feel like the entire world is against me right now. and i mean everyone and everything.
i just can't seem to understand myself these days. i'm trying to be someone i'm not. and this may sound very abasing to myself and to my future self (caus face it, we're 2 diff ppl) but i'm trying to be someone who is good at everything. and it's caus of that left out feeling. i felt it in art earleir today. it was like one big circle and i was out of it because i wasn't taught how to draw one before.....i'm always picking things up by myself...always the odd er, woman out....and i didn't know how true that was until today. (so grammatically incorrect but screw that right now). sometimes i just think i'm an idiot for doing the things i do or saying the things i do. i mean, i keep realizing that i'm not educated as well as i'd like to be. and i'm scared i may never reach that apex, if it exists at all for my intelligence capacity (does such a thing exist??)
i don't even know myself anymore. who am i? i've been betraying myself for the longest time. i'm even beginning to like math! that sentence might be the scariest thing i've ever written. 2 years ago i never would've concurred to taking the amc's, or joinng the shabbaton choir for that matter (there aren't enough people to hide my voice behind). i don't know it anymore.
itamar was on tonight. told me some things the old me might've loved to hear. but idk how i feel about him now bc so many things have changed and he's over there in israel, and there are so many obstacles and reasons....
it's as if he's dissappeared and then decided to exist again. idk.
finally got my hands on clockwork orange, am in the beginning. i'll never understand one thing tho. how can ppl hu dunt speak nadsat understand it? supposedly, i understand the langage, but how can u read the book if you couldn't?? get back to me on that one. it's driving me crazy.
ah, decision made regarding this summer. i wish i was 10 again. that way i'd be able to come back to all of you. usdan ppl r the only ones who know hu i truly am. i'm hidden during the year. i'll miss that. i miss everyone. and (with da help of da cat's meow) i've found a way to get over b=P which is to see him again which isn't so easy or time permitting or even universally permitting....but it might happen accidently if i can't get over him soon.
idunno if you might've guessed by now, but i don't think i'm coming back. mm, i really wanted to show tweety pour le piano but that'll have to wait till i visit;) growing up got in the way. again. i didn't choose nyu over usdan, i chose living my life forward instead of backward. but i'll never forget usdan. it did more for me than anything i could've imagined. and that's really cool.
i still feel like everyone hates me. if i were you, i wouldn't hate me. there's really nothing to hate, i don't think.
unless you count my spontaneous stupidity. that i understand. but it'll be extinct as soon as realization finds its boot and uses it to kick some...well, u get the point.
sorry bout the angsty entry, i just needed to get some stuff out.
no fuckin alarm clock tomorrow! i could chop that thing up....::idea bulb::