Science, logic, and reasoning... love doesn't work like that, hence why I am acting like such a fucking idiot. My head and my heart are crushed - the both of them. I can't focus or feel what I need or even want to feel anymore. I'm dying from the inside and out and it is starting to have physical repercussions. I want nothing more to make all of this pain stop, but I am struggling on how to do so. Do I stop trying and let go to get over it and move on with my life without him completely? Or do I try and fight my hardest even though he may not want that? I don't know. I wish I could flip a coin and go from there; heads - I stay, tails - I go. That kind of action takes courage and courage is something that I have lost a lot of lately, and knowing me, the results I get will make me question if that is what I really want and I'll sit there flipping a coin until the coin is worn out with no faces left, and I'll stand there looking at a coin of indecision - back to the start.
Why does loving someone have to be so fucking hard? Why can't the person you love, love you back? And why can't the person that loves you, be the right person... the only person? And the golden question... why can't love just fucking last!? Why does everyone fall in love quickly just to fall out of love faster?
Life would be so much easier if hearts broke even or didn't break at all. These days, everything tugs at my heart strings hard enough to tear them right off even with the simplest yank, taking the breath out of me and causing this pain in my chest that I just can't shake - I'm so weak, so sensitive, so done. I want to do the comfortable thing and walk away and never look back, but what is that going to do? Break my heart, and his, all over again, forcing him to give up once and for a while and leave it at that. But then what the fuck is it going to do if I'm here, staying, waiting, wishing, hoping, fucking hating every moment of it as it gets me nowhere but deeper into a hole that I so badly want to climb out of, yet instead slap a smile on and pretend like I'm entirely content being buried alive. I don't want to know what life is like without him, but at this rate, what kind of life do I have with him?
It's the end to a Valentine's Day that was amazing in some ways. I got to spend it with a girl who is my best friend, who loves me so much that she would do anything just to make me smile, even if it means sucking up her own heartache that I caused her just to be able to hug me and tell me that it's going to be okay, that I'm worth something, that she loves me and is going nowhere. Best part about all of that is that I believe her - I believe her every word. And on the other hand, my Valentine's day was not spent with Mike and I spent the entire day with people asking me if I would be spending it with him as if it was something that should have happened naturally, without question. A few days ago I was hoping it would happen naturally, without question, but when I realized that he doesn't seem to care the way he once did, I realized that things aren't so natural and as much as I wish they were, they are not. I spent today telling people that he's at the autoshow, knowing deep down that he is there with a girl that is more than happy to be spending her Valentine's Day with him. Well, she wins and I lose. Maybe I just need to step down and face facts and rip up the invitation to this pity party because it is never fun. I wish I could change who I am and be happy with someone else, but I don't want to lie, I don't want to be secretive, and I don't want to deny what I really want...
Happy Fucking Valentine's Day.
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry. You don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I'll set you apart.
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions, oh let's go back to the start. Running in circles, calling tails...heads on a silence apart.
Nobody said it was easy; it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy; no one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the start...
I was just guessing at numbers and figures, pulling the puzzles apart. Questions of science - science and progress did not speak as loud as my heart. Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me. I want to rush to the start. Running in circles, chasing tails...coming back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy; oh, it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm going back to the start...
Post a comment in response:
|© 2002-2008. Blurty Journal. All rights reserved.|