I don't want to let you go, but it hurts my hands to hold the rope... now I'm falling asleep to forget you.
In the story of my life, I only get a quick taste of the good things. It's as if my smile prefers the complicatedness of being fake rather than the simplicity of being real, and my heart is no better - it's nothing but a fool.
Since Mike and I broke up a week ago, for the most part, I have been okay. I have been put together, mature, and I said my piece and I meant it. A part of me holds hope and the other parts of me don't believe in anything hope stands for. Last night I actually smiled when I told him that just as he said he wanted his time and space, I'd also appreciate mine and hope that he can respect that. I smiled the most mischeivious, proud, cynical yet sad smile. I have no choice but to force him to let me go because how is he supposed to get better when all he wants to do is text me once or twice a day and how am I supposed to get better if he forces me to fall into a routine of staring at my phone waiting for that one text that I can ignore? As much as neither of us want to let go, we have to. You can't miss something if it never goes away and I don't want to suffer the callouses of waiting, wishing, hoping and holding on for dear life because bottom line, he isn't my life, I just wanted him to be part of it.
I have been so vulnerable. Looking for anyone that will hold my hand and tell me that I'm not alone, but I can't shake the feeling that I am alone because when I am in my own thoughts, I think of something not worth thinking about. The only place that I have been safe is in my sleep because for those few hours, I am at peace, yet I still fear that one night where he will haunt my dreams either with all of the things that I love, or with all of the things that I hate.
As much as I don't want to lose him, he's already been lost and I have always known that people always leave. Now my body has been plagued by a virus and I am stuck in my own mind for 7 days struggling with my very own immune system, forcing myself to get better and here's hoping that when I do, I'll recover to be just me. I belong to me, not to anyone else and all I want is to come out of this content with being occupied and blissfully productive. Something is bound to come together for me soon, maybe this is just step one to whatever is coming next...
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