I'll be just fine pretending I'm not, I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got...
And here come the second guesses...
I'm beginning to really like Mike, the kind of like where you want to drop your walls and insecurities and hear all of the cute romantic things that used to make you want to vomit, but the more I want these things, the more I second guess if this is the right thing. Every other time I've felt this way, I ended up feeling like an idiot in the end and although I am aware that this is my past and that it shouldn't be pinned on him, I'm still scared - I'm scared that he's typical, that this is me falling into another fucking hole that leaves me struggling to get the hell out. I'm the girl that usually wants anything but a committment, but I'm also the girl that ends up being suckered into wanting the committment only to hear that "we're better as friends" or whatever other excuses boys use to avoid "breaking hearts". I just want to breakdown and cry. I had a great time with Mike today, but something inside me just started screaming and I got emotional. I don't know if this is me being paranoid or if this is me just warning myself of what I may be starting to fall blind to. He says that he's "gun shy", but that he swears his previous experiences aren't being planted on me, yet everytime I hear him say that he "hates women", I want to throw punches - it offends me. Why is it that as broken as I am, I always find others who are far worse? I am so irritated with this situation and with myself right now. Everytime I take a brick off of my wall and am content in doing so, something happens that makes me cement it back on. I understand that things don't happen overnight, nor do I want them to, but for fuck sakes, I'd like some progress... real progress. I don't ask for much, bu when I'm feeling like this, I feel like the worst kind of person - needy, nagging, annoying, emotional, an attention whore... a typical girl. I'm not typical, I'm just prone to typical situations... or maybe that's just what I want to believe. Maybe I bring this shit unto myself...
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