...Arguments, always pissed, man I'm tired.
My life feels like it's been on fast forward. Everything is happening so fast and all at once; my mental capacity has been maxed out three times over and I am absolutely exhausted. I've been forgetting important dates and appointments as well as simple things like what I was reaching for in the fridge. Sleeping feels like a chore because trying to turn off my mind is a tedious task that takes several tries before I succeed, if I succeed because sometimes I just fail miserably - like tonight. Random people are coming and going and I don't know what to make of it or who is here for the right reasons or who left for the wrong reasons, etc. I'm assuming so much and acting on very little and the sad part of it all is that I don't feel that I care enough to mend things that are broken or start things that have potential - I don't know what I want and the things that I do want, well, I don't know how to get them. I'm trying my best to go through the motions but all the motions are doing is making me sick to my stomach and I quickly find myself begging for them to stop. Just stop! I am so lost right now and I want more than anything to rewind to the beginning when everything was going well and my future was a blur not worth looking at because I was only living in the present and content doing so. Now, all I find myself doing is wondering what if and forgetting about my present and wishing I could make out the blur that lies ahead of me so that I know what I'm working towards and figuring out if all of this is worth it or know what choices/decisions I need to make in order to clear that blur...but I don't have the power to do any of that, it's not in my hands as much as I wish it was. I'm not that lucky, I never was and I've always known that. I want to go back to being happy not worrying, but instead... here I am, unhappy and worried. There are so many questions that I have that remain unanswered, but do I really want to know them? I have no idea. A big part of me tells me that I don't because the truth can be absolutely heartbreaking especially when it's truth that I don't want to hear. What if everything I've ever worked towards was a waste? I'd rather not know. All in all, I am a mental mess right now and I do not even know where to start in terms of sorting things out with myself, with relationships, with my family and with my life. All I can do is hope that everything works itself out, that I find clarity eventually, and that all the unanswered questions find their honest answers when the time is right. I just hope that all of that is not asking too much.
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