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LemonWater (lemonwater) wrote,
@ 2004-08-30 04:13:00
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    Current mood:worried

    I just had my best friend, the bastion of strength break down in tears about how she hates herself and her life and why wont anyone ever let her be pissed off. This is my sister-of-choise, the one that is always there for everyone else, and whom noone, except for me apparently, cares to support. Such bullshit.

    She's having a bad time. So many changes coming into her life, old past shit coming up to be dealt with and grown from. All at once.

    What I'm having issue with is that for the first time in the longest time I'm happy. I just found employ after a long and arduous period of unemplyoment. Everything else is working out beautifully, My Love life is fucking incredibly happy, I'm stepping out of old imposed boundaries and growing and doing things that I always thought of as great markers for growth all at once. Not to mention that I now have a week to do whatever I want. I'm happy. However, I now feel guilty for being so when my heart's sister is going through such pain.

    And I know this feeling of guilt is bullshit. Honestly. Because these past nine months have been ones of crushing depression only mitigated by my solid relationship and small pleasures. It is MORE than okay for me to be feeling good and HAPPY, about my new job, about my awesome relationship, about my wicked dumpstering haul, about my week off, about the future.

    I'm trying hard to not siphon off her pain and make it my own in some weird martyrdom reflex. I KNOW that doing so will not help her and my being happy and well adjusted actually helps me to help her.

    But I'm struggling with it a little. Okay, more than a little.

    I'm hoping that sleep and a long meditation will help. Maybe I'm having such a hard time with this because I'm exhausted. Maybe.

    My weekend was beautiful, Now...onward to the week at hand. Better and better.

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