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Leandra (leandra) wrote,
@ 2005-05-14 09:26:00
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    Hope
    It's really easy for me to slip into feeling sorry for myself lately. I think . . . I am no further along than I was five years ago. I wonder if I will ever have a job that I will keep for many years. I wonder if I will ever really get my health issues under control. I wonder about my choices in relationships.

    I start thinking that things are never going to get better for me. I get sad at not being able to do things for and with my daughter because of my finances.

    When my divorce became final four years ago, I knew the next five years were going to be bleak ones. I have made it through four of those five years. Being with V made things easier for me because even though we were always broke, at least we kept things caught up and had food on the table. I wasn't resenting the money going to my ex as much as I am now when it is causing me so much hardship. That resentment is at the core of my feelings of self pity. It isn't fair. However, it is a fact and I just have to keep going for this next year until I am free.

    When our divorce became final, I had a sense of emotional freedom. When this debt is paid off, all $12,200.00 of it, I will have an even greater feeling of freedom. I felt that $8,000.00 was the most I should ever have had to pay him and I have paid that. I wish he could see it in his heart to release me from the rest of this debt but he has a 'hardened heart'.

    I have to remind myself of the good things he does for my daughter, and there are many. He never asks me to help with any of her dental or medical bills or prescriptions. She is attending two Girl Scout camps this summer at a cost of $90.00 each. He provides her with a great wardrobe - she is really stylin'! He is making plans to take her to Disneyworld this fall. He takes her out to eat, to hockey games (even Redwings games in Detroit), and to movies. She gets to have friends over to the house for overnights, the list could go on and on. He is a good father to her, now that the ex 'evil stepmother' is kept at bay.

    So when I only have $16.00 after I have paid my debts each week to provide for all my needs including gas for my car, I need to remember these things. So far, this has worked for me because I have been working only a few minutes from my apartment.

    I think the new job opportunity is going to pay more money than I've been making for a long time. The temp agency said that it's a position they want to grow and they will reward the person in the position as the position evolves. It could be my 'career' - the job I have been waiting for. It could be the answer to all of my problems.

    I have conditioned myself never to get my hopes up. I have a good track record as far as getting jobs I've interviewed for even when there have been many other applicants. I guess I have a fear that if I get too excited and want something too badly, it will slip through my fingers.

    However, I think I need to be excited and hopeful. I think that will help me. Enthusiasm can be a good thing. I need to stop being afraid of the fall.

    With this job, I could either stay in this apartment which I like, or I could possibly make a move to this nearby town. I think it would be good for me to do that. I won't be able to do it for another year, I don't believe, but it's something to look forward to. I'd like to live in a trailer again, or rent a small house so that I can do yardwork and some gardening. I'd be close to Erin but far enough away to feel that I'm away from my ex and my past. It could be the fresh start that I've been wanting for so long.

    So, I'm beginning to feel hopeful. I do have obstacles but I have overcome them before.


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