So, I was feeling hungry and tired after I made some lunch and wanted to take a nap but couldn't because I had to go out and buy the aforementioned cat box liners, then after that feeling of all "having to" do something all day long, I guess I sort of went into a downward spiral. This feeling was exacerbated by running into nicky at the Madison Market. He seemed extra awkward, and any feelings of rekindled romance I've been entertaining the past few days were pretty much squelched. The kind of seemed like he couldn't get away soon enough and offered no warm hug at our parting.
I don't know why I kid myself into thinking that things could ever be the way they were. Nor do a really want them to be that way. I guess there's just something comfortable seeming and familiar-ish about it. But, I think itj more than that, I think I have perhaps a profound desire or -- God only knows why -- to be loved by nicky. Maybe I shouldn't be so flip. I think there are a lot of good reasons to want to be loved by nicky and to want to love him, as well. But maybe just now there are more good reasons to learn how to not want to be loved by nicky, and to learn how to love them, but probably from a distance.
If that makes any sense.
So now I'm going to make myself some dinner and watch either " 13" select "Dinotopia" or Dino Tobia, two DVDs that I rented this evening. It's kind of funny how most nights, I would be perfectly happy with this evening as plants for entertainment and a good dinner while on a watch the DVDs. But considering now how I feel about my run-in with nicky and my doubts about our future relationship (?), as well as this vague sense that I have somehow let myself down by even concerning myself with said relationship, the night somehow feels lacking in joy-potential.
I had this strange dream last night, that my friend Katie died of some debilitating illness. For some reason we were all too sad to face the whole process of planning and executing a funeral, let alone putting her in the ground. So instead, we just left her in her bed. Low and behold, two days later she came to. We realized that she in fact hadn't been dead at all, rather her life signs had dipped so low as to be beyond detection. Concurrent with the Katie's death, my boyfriend (whoever that was -- in my dream it wasn't entirely clear) had died as well. I think at one point it was TJ who had died, and then after Katie was miraculously resurrected it became nicky who had died. After Katie's resurrection, I began to fear that we had been hasty in burying nicky, and that he too, in fact, may have simply had superlow life signs. Maybe, I feared, we buried him alive, and not only did we have to suffer with the loss of someone we loved, but we also caused horrible suffering to that person as well.
I'm not really sure what it all means. Possibly something to do with the falling out Katie and I had a couple years ago and my reluctance to complete the writer off. Maybe in some ways nicky and I have had a falling out and I am somehow in danger of completely writing them off, and this dream was to serve as some sort of a warning for me to not do so. Or perhaps, it was not meant to be taken quite so literally. Maybe Katie represents the feminine in some way for me, and TJ or nicky (whomever my boyfriend was supposed to be in the dream) represents the mail in some way. Maybe I have in some detrimental way written off the mail aspect of my being and while I have perhaps done some damage to the feminine aspect I have not killed off entirely. Geez, way to work towards being gender free. And not in a good way.
I tried to think in terms of this dream a little bit tonight but I was so disappointed about nicky's behavior towards me. I feel sometimes that I am in danger of writing him off completely. And I don't want to do so, at least I don't think I do.
Aw, crap. I know that this is just a brief spell of confusion in an otherwise pretty great time of unusual clarity for me. So, I'm going to avoid worrying about it too much, but it's hard to avoid feeling disappointed and confused. But I'll come around.
I always do.
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