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I don't know why am being philosophical about myself and today may be in some ways, I feel like I have made a bit of a breakthrough with the Nicky, who may or may not have feelings for me that extend beyond the boundaries of friendship. We've been hanging out a lot together lately, and he's been looking at me in that certain way that says, "I really like you and then some." But too, I realize that he is a complex person who wants many things from his life, some of which may involve me, and some of which may not involve me, and I think he keeps me separate from much of his life and maybe that means I'm not really a very big part of it. If that is the case, then so be it. It would be critical of me to say that, or require that he me an open book because I certainly am not an I don't think I want to be. I don't know how other people do it. I don't know how they manage to feel safe in that kind of openness, but that's OK for them. I fantasize sometimes about having a conversation with the Nicky where I ask him exactly what it is he wants from me and I try to figure out what it is he's after, but I feel like that's not very fair is it because I don't know what I want from him and I don't know what I'm after. I think it's funny, it used to be enough just to hang out together. And now, I want definition and I want security I want to know what's what. Just a little bit ago, I talked to Nicky on the phone, and was delighted to know upon greeting him that he had been thinking about me. When I'm struck by D'Lites in this way from someone who means as much to me as he does. I often and a feeling guilty and silly because why after all, should he is the Fox of me be so bowl at the relevant? I mean, it's nice to be thought of its great to be loved (I suppose) but what real practical application does that have in my life. I guess more than that, what I mean is, people say all kinds of things. How do we know that what they mean means to them the same thing that it would mean to us? I don't know. I do know that lately, the Mickey has been giving mean a lot more attention calling me fairly often. And trying to make plans with me. Last Friday night, we hung out at my brother Alfonzo's house. And played boulders gate, and eight yummy meal I made for the two of us. Called "hot Somali casserole." I also made you me peanut better and chocolate chip cornflake chews. He really likes my cooking and appreciates that I'm able to make such a yummy meals out of vegan ingredients. And I have to admit, the food was delicious. They especially the cornflake chews. Then on Sunday night, he called me right before I was done with work, and asked if he could come over and choose a new video game to play. From my vast video game Library. It ended up the reuse had dinner together at my house and watch The Simpsons and just kind of hung out for most of the night full well knowing that we were going to be hanging out. The next night as well. I guess, old addictions, diehard. And maybe we are basically addicted to one another. Then, on Monday night, which was last night. We played older skates, eight yummy teapot delivery food and had bought drinks and played the Starsky and Hutch video game. We ended up feeling quite frustrated with the Starsky and Hutch video game -- not because it wasn't fun -- but because we couldn't get past season one in our ratings we weren't good enough at the game to not get canceled. He he. This coming Friday night. We are going to go see the matrix revolutions film, which is playing at the IMAX theater. I haven't seen this movie yet, but have been looking forward to it ever since them the key to hold me that he enjoyed it as much as. If not more than the second one of course, nothing can beat the matrix. The true original only real version of the story. I guess if I have any fears about the situation with him. They involve a sort of paranoia of the nebulousness of it all. It's all just sort of out there and I don't know what any of it means he may very well be completely in love with have to, we don't discuss it. I have no knowledge of their lives together for a part. They may be apart for all I know, they meet the very much together. I don't know. All of this may be completely moved to because he may be experiencing the love of his lifetime. And just not be telling me about it. The may be so blissfully in love that he can't believe it and he may be oh so glad that he is able to be involved in the ongoing evolution of a romance turned relationship, such as we are sharing. Right now, in what I am supposing is his view of the situation. But, I have to think about things clearly, for all of the bowl she be self-help sort of ways that Mike's ex-girlfriend Shannon hat of dealing with ham and the world at large. One thing that wasn't bowl, she be, wasn't her phrase or notion that you cannot mind read another person. I have to accept the fact that by a don't know what really goes on in Mickey's mind. And if I'm being honest, I would have to say, the events that led up to our breakup and our breakup and what followed it would clearly indicate that I am a very very poor telepath indeed. I didn't know what was going on, then and I don't know what's going on now. I guess the differences. Now I don't so much care. On OK with things Nicky doesn't want to hang out and for the most part of OK with hanging out. Blah, blah, blah. In my newfound journal writing capacity. I have become standard and banal in quite a surprising fashion. I mean I'm the person who watches myself. Tie my shoes brush my teeth and urinate. Yet even this journal entry surprises may with its lack of surprising this and sheer duh-ness. Why do all the old and obvious lessons. They each and every one of us wonder that time and a startling and seemingly original fashion, when in reality. It's all just the same old shit. Post a comment in response: |
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