|Current mood:|| pessimistic|
now i have LOTS to say!!
Ok...this last week has been..well...you know. I swear I could kill somebody...ANYBODY!! Sam has not laid off. She is constantly saying how i have -0- self control and is being a total jerk...and then acts like she didn't realize it and everything is okay. I it so much. I'm not sure how much longer I can take it.
It is so hard to not care what other people think about you. I mean, Sam's always like, "why do u even care." but i do care. And i've been taught that I should care. Mom's always telling me that I need to maintain a good reputation. which i try...but then I hear someone's opinion of who I am and everything and I don't know WHAT I think...and try to change it...but don't know how. It is sooo stressful trying to make everyone else happy. sometimes i believe i'm being too selfish...and at the same time...that I try too hard to do things for everyone else and don't set aside enough time for me.
Volleyball is horrible right now. I hurt my back somehow. yet I'm still playing. only, i'm not doing as good. which doesn't say a whole lot. i was so irritated yesterday though. Mom told me I would be letting my team down if I skipped the tournement for ralley. but how?!? because i wouldn't be there to keep their statS!?!?!?!?! seriously...i was so mad. i just don't understand . obviously..it didn't help to come home and tell dad about my day and all he has to say is "maybe you need to go to volleyball camp next year." thanks for the support. i was doing fine in warmups..i just didn't get a chance to play! luke's saying ian means more to me now than volleyball didn't do much for me either.
actually...just about everything he said tonite hurt and brought me down a little further. at the same time though...i don't know what i'm going to do w/out him and josh. like i told luke tonite...they seem like brothers to me. and so it's going to be really hard to let go of that. but of course...mom and dad just don't get it. they think that everyone around us will think their daughter is someone 6 yrs. older then her and they'll get a bad reputation for it. ppl DON'T think that though. everyone i've talked to has understood. so it just doesn't make sense that everyone can see it but them.
i just need to leave. i'm not sure where i could go...but i don't know how much longer i can take all of this. it is just so hard to keep up w/life.