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Sometimes I get this feeling of being left out. Okay then - not sometimes - most times. Is it because I delierately exclude myself? Or make myself unapproachable? I can be a bit like that, but usually I'm just being quiet. Especially in RL. Or I feel like I could add nothing important - that hasn't already been said - or that what I say won't be intelligent enough. Oh yes, I think about that, and it does make me shut my mouth a lot of the time. I want to be approachable. I would like for people to come up and start talking to me. Not in RL. But on the net. In RL I prefer sticking with my mates and people I know - less chance of a) being humiliated as it so often happens b) not having to put up with more idiots and c) most of the time my mates get me even if I make no sense. But on the net it's different. I don't have to say things straight off the top of my head. I can think. And think. And think. Then answer if I wish to do so. Or lurk. What ever suits my fancy. There's no preconcieved ideas of me. I'm not 'that girl who's always reading in class', 'the strange one who hangs out with those people.' It's just me. Little, boring me. I realised recently that I don't really have many close friends on the net. My first was probably Vera, who I've gotten back in touch with after nearly (maybe over) half a year. She had contacted me from where I had left my email details on a Tamora Pierce penpal list. It was terrific talking to her - but then we sort of ran out of things to talk about. After that I started to attempt to mingle more at Vh. This was mainly during VHX. I don't know why I did. Probably because I was bored and lonely in RL. When Vh went down for that time in January, I even started to post some comments in peoples journals. Looking back I wonder where I got the courage to do that from. I don't think that I could actually convey how happy and joyful I was when I wasn't ridiculed or mocked for doing so. To put it lightly I was ecstatic. Then Vh came back up and I found that I was a Prefect. Scarily enough. At that time I couldn't even access Vh at home since my computer was broken. That was one time when I felt like I belonged. Like I was part of a larger thing - important somewhere, somehow. The people in RL who saw me, and had to put up with my Vh-talk could easily state how much it meant to me, to even just be considered. I felt liked. Like by real friends. I don't even know any of you all that well though. As much as I would like to anyhow. Heh, I just thought about that slashers competition - one good thing did come out of that christmas competition that I tried to start up - I met DT. I had seen her name round on the board and such, but we got talking through email, and I'm happy to say - still am. Actually all of the emails are saved somewhere in my folder. *g* I've gone off track. Way way off track. But that doesn't matter. It never would. Post a comment in response: |
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