| Current mood: |  optimistic |
| Current music: | Hero of War-Rise Against |
All that just for that?
I waited patiently for three years, until that moment would come again. Well it came and went, and just like last time I fucked it up. I don't know, there is still some qualities that I lack, that I wish I had. The main one being my self confidence. I tend to look forward to things too much, like over thinking really bad. But after I left Wallies, a part of me didn't want to let go, like the scar that was present. I was literally obsessed with her for a while. I had experienced good emotions and bad emotions up to this point, but being obsessed with someone is just plain wrong. So what did I do? I didn't become some freaky stalker sitting outside a house, no that's taking it way to far. I instead decided to search for her on the world wide web, which is what brought me here in the first place. My Lieutenant told me that nothing on the internet is considered private, so even as I write this I know its going to be public. But oh well I don't really give a fuck anyways, because it makes me feel better to get it all out.
I first searched for Cayla on google, ever hear about people googleing people? Well I was one of those people. I came across some of her darker times in her past, because lets be honest no one is perfect, I know I'm not. I found out that she likes to go to the clubs all the time. If I could say something about clubbers, its that they should be steered clear from. My brothers have clubbing girlfriends and to be honest, from what I have seen, they are not the greatest. Everyone arguing about who grinded on who and shit like that. Nothing but a whole fuck load of drama and problems. I found out about what happened to her when she was little with her dad. Now that is something that I didn't understand at first, but I did a lot of thinking. Shit like what happened to her fucks people up everyday. I know it happens on my reserve on a daily basis, but what can you do about it? That is why i'm glad that I never grew up on the rez, my older brothers unfortunately did. I learned that she was and out going type of person that enjoyed her social life. She didn't have the greatest family relationship, because what I learned, there was times she didn't get along with her family. Completely different from me because my family is all that I have, over anyone of my buddies any day. She used to be a cutter, and I can't determine if she still is, but from what I know, that undesirable habit will always haunt someone underneath it all. People cut to feel more physical pain than the underlying emotional pain, in turn it cancels out the emotional pain temporarily. She was suicidal at one time in her life, but with that much emotions running through the body at that age, something is bound to happen. She sometimes feels like there is no one left that cares, in a sense she sometimes believes there is no more good left in the world. Life can get dark at certain times for Cayla, but really its the battle within herself that makes it like that. She still has alot of insecurities about herself. I mean sure she knows that she is a little hottie, but it will never be enough for her. The more that I read up on her, I thought to myself, "You know, maybe what happened, happened for a reason" And for like the first time I could start to let go. I read what ever journal entries I could find about her on this site. There is alot more to a person than meets the eye, that's what I learned.
After Cayla and Wal-Mart, I searched for somebody to attach onto, I was sort of a leech, because I wanted that feeling again. Now this is where it gets more fucked up, I chose my cousin. Well she isn't really my cousin because we're not related by blood or by marriage, just close family friends. But who am I trying to convince, our families are so close that I might as well call her my cuz. We would kind of poke hints at each other, but would never do anything about it because we knew of the consequences of our actions. But I decided that it would be a bright idea if I bought her a dozen blue roses for her birthday. Sure it costed alot, but it didn't matter to me. She was so surprised on her birthday, but I never did tell her it was me, i am glad I didn't, because I think of the consequences now. But I dummied up after telling myself what I was doing was wrong of me.
Through all of what has happened in the past two years, I learned more than I could have asked for. She may be out there somewhere, but I have to find her and I am certain that I will one day make my way toward her. This will most likely be my last entry, because I feel I learned more just from writing down some of my story.
I can't believe I am saying it, but I FEEL GREAT :D
(Read comments)
|
