| Current mood: |  accomplished |
| Current music: | You Belong With Me-Taylor Swift |
Have you ever thought just maybe...You belong with me
I woke up this morning at six thirty and felt like I slept in...lol. I don't get it, its been like four or five days since I graduated from BMQ and it feels like army mode is still turned on. I guess that its for the better, because I can be more productive with my days. Its weird because it was like I knew my course mates for like a year, but it was only a month. I remember when people would say stuff like,"only three weeks to go!" Then toward the end, people were more like,"I wish we were here longer" Amazing what that shit does to you, I can't wait to go onto my next training exercise. I will be more fit for Soldier Qualification, there is going to be a lot of lugging weapons around. I am going to admit, that it feels great to look forward to something now. Its a new feeling of focus, because before it was like I was waiting for something to fall out of the sky or something. I even started up a new facebook account for the sole purpose of keeping in touch with my BMQ family. I left face crack like two months ago and I never thought I was ever going to go back, but never say never.
But getting on with the story about my heart getting ripped the fuck out, or somewhere along those lines.lol My days were long and tiresome, but it didn't bother me at all. I even managed to fit in exercise, but I sacrificed nutrition and didn't eat sometimes. I found myself getting skinny, and I wasn't too happy about that because I wanted to be built, not some little string bean. It was like I was trying to become this person that I thought other people wanted me to be. But I am not going to shit myself here, I did it because of her. I would be carrying 2x4 studs thinking,"only three more hours, I hope she is going to be there" And when I did see her, my day would just be that much more happy.
Just a quick note off the track for a quick sec. I remember when this girl from my reserve asked me to be here escort for grad and I accepted. I hardly even knew her, but I put everything I had to impress her. Money wasn't a factor, because I never really had the time to spend what I was making anyways. I rented this white tux a day before the grad and got a corsage and boutonniere(real). I was completely flawless on that day and the way the sun shone, it was like the graduation I never had. I was just an escort, but everyone thought I was graduating. Her name was Ashley, and she really really wanted me, but I just didn't feel that way. Weird, kind of like how I really really wanted Cayla, but she didn't feel the same way. What goes around comes around is the lesson here and it was coming around for me.
But yeah, this one particular evening, I actually grew some balls and handed Cayla a little note that I wrote. I tried to explain in the note how I felt guilty for leaving to go to school in Regina, how I still felt about her, and all the other scary admirer shit that she probably didn't want to read. But I was expecting a reply, but I knew that I scared the shit outta her, because how her behavior was the next couple of days. She was literally scared of me and she tried to avoid me most of the time. What the hell was I supposed to do? I never had a girlfriend before, or had no clue as to how to attempt to work towards one. After finding out the news about how she felt, I still didn't want to believe it for some reason, talk about being hung up. Then one night I just had to confirm it fully and I approached her and told her straight out that I couldn't let her go. She told me straight out that she is in a serious relationship and shit. I still thought that she was lying, that she wasn't happy with her boyfriend. It's kind of this sense that I got, that she wanted out, just not with me. But as soon as I got confirmation, that was it I told myself everyday,"Just let it go"
For the very first time in my life I felt heart-break. Now up until that point, I always thought that a heart break was all bull shit, but I physically hurt. It was weird, because my heart literally hurt for not apparent physical reasons. Emotional and physical dimensions just crossed and it was so perplexing to me because I just couldn't believe it. For about three or more weeks, the hurt deep down wouldn't go away and I would just keep telling myself, "Its over, let it go already." I thought it was never going to end, because it was like my whole world came to a halt, nothing mattered to me anymore. My family noticed how I acted, but I never told anyone about what was going on. I had a few options to choose; leave Wal-mart so I don't have to hurt anymore, find another girl to grow accustomed to, or live in a world of hurt and do nothing. Then, that's when she showed up...
Her name was Carmen and she just started working at Wal-mart in the Domestics section. It was like god was tired of seeing me hurt and she was sent to help me move along. I didn't think anything of her at first, but it was more of the little things she did that attracted me. She actually waited for me to come to work everyday, at the same spot. And we would have this little pre-work chat that would be about anything. She was english, as she is from England, so I would poke fun at her accent all the time. We always would find things to do around Wal-mart like ride the pallet jacks, or play hide and seek in the carpets. I just got this great feeling of having purpose, that someone actually looked forward to seeing me everyday. My face literally hurt all the time, because I never smiled so hard, she made me feel happy. Carmen was the big band-aid that covered my heart and healed it. Then I got stupid...
Okay, so I was so convinced that Carmen was into me that I challenged Chad(some 35yr old guy) to winning Carmen heart. Biggest fuckin mistake, but hey everyone has to fuck up once right? To learn from their mistakes in the end. I remember it still, it was the last day that I worked at Confed Wal-mart. It was the day before Carmen's 19th birthday, and I told Chad, "May the best man win ;)" There was alot of back stabbing that went on and rumors and all that shit, it was a dirty game. But I was so convinced that I had her heart, that I was willing to gamble it all. After all the shit that went on during that shift, it was winning by the evening. I even made Chad look bad by getting other girls working that night to go bug Chad. But in the end, Chad pulled the dirtiest move possible out, kind of like a last resort self-destruction plan. He went and got Carmen alone and told her everything about the competition and pulled the bitch move of self pity. He was like," Oh, I know I am this old and I could never have someone like you." And he just made me sound like a complete douche bag and shit like that, but he won fair and square.
I told the guys,"I'll see you next time." And they were like,"Your not leaving." And I told them,"Watch me." I seen Carmen on the way out and I kept it simple and said to her,"I hope I see you again sometime." That was it, I left everything that night, all the bullshit and drama that I had experienced, but in my world it all happened for a reason.
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