| Current mood: |  drained |
| Current music: | Meagan-Bayside (live in Chicago) |
I don't know why I just couldn't let go
I just finished doing like four days of traveling, here and there. I have so much things to deal with and so little time to do everything. I am going to be gone for four and a half weeks and it seems like the days are just flying by. Well I told HER about this brief life story I am writing. I intend to tell the truth about everything, because after all, who am I trying to be perfect for? But shit, I shouldn't listen to this music, because it just adds salt to the wounds. But I have to finish as much as possible, before I leave, because my spirit needs rest.
To be completely honest with myself, I have no idea why I couldn't of been more open with Cayla. I remember there would be times when I would be with her alone, but I just couldn't say anything. I was afraid I guess of saying the wrong thing and setting off a bad image. But as I realized later on, I just made things worse in the end. But that sort of stuff happens in life because it teaches you a lesson. But being in her presence gave me a good feeling inside. Yes she was a pretty intimidating person to me, She just had that look.
I had started to see her talking with other guys at work other than Brad. It made me think that she moved on from Brad, and I don't blame her. It seems like Brad just didn't put in the effort to make his relationship work. After all, everyone just wants to search for that happiness, that feels so good. As long as I seen her at work everyday, it made me happy, because she was the one thing I looked forward to. But deep down I knew that she wouldn't wait forever, and my deep feeling of happiness wouldn't last forever. hmmph its funny because I was right.
As the months past by, I just couldn't bring myself to come out straight with Cayla. She started to give me this,"I'm tired of waiting" look. I don't know why, but I can communicate better with someone non verbally, if that makes sense. And the whole time she gave me that look, I just thought to myself,"Well neither of us is going any where." She was the reason, I didn't drop Wal-mart for my second job, which I made double what I was making. I put up with so much bulshit with customers and management, but she made it all worth it. I remember the good days, when I would tell customers to go to the front of the store to get their battery refunds. I would tell them to go see a short cute wonderful girl named Cayla. And they would ask me if I liked her and I would reply yeah, but she's taken already, with a look of disappointment. I just thought of her so much all the time, more than I ever thought of anyone before.
I remember when Cayla dyed her hair brunette, well a light brunette color. I used to think when I first seen her, she would look even better if her hair was dark brown. But when she was a brunette, I honestly wished she kept her hair blond. I remember some times, because I was so damn busy most of the time that I wouldn't get a chance to go up to the front to see her. So instead, Cayla would find ways to come see me. She would go around the store returning stray merchandise, rather than calling departments to pick it up. And when I would see her walking down the hall toward me, I would smile, but I couldn't keep eye contact with her. I was too self-conscious inside, which lead to a lot of discouragement.
I will never forget the last time I ever seen a true smile on Cayla's face. It's funny how certain moments in life take a permanent picture that stays with you forever. This was one of those moments, where her single moment will forever be locked in my memory forever. I was training a guy in automotive, and his day was finished. We were both joking around, and I had the biggest grin on my face. Cayla was leaving for the day when I ran into her down the hall. She was walking regular, but once she saw my huge smile, it was like it was contagious. She looked at me and gave me the biggest smile ever, so big all her teeth were showing. At that moment, I felt this overwhelming sense of happiness inside myself, like I made the day of the person that meant to most to me. It would be the last time I ever saw her smile like that...:(
I had decided to go back to university in Regina, that upcoming winter semester. This all familiar feeling came on to me, the same feeling I had when grade 10 was coming to an end. I just felt like I didn't care about anything anymore. Cayla had moved to fashion, which was like on the opposite side of the store. So I barely got to see her, which made me feel sad a lot. It was like I was cocooned at the corner of the store, held against seeing her anymore. I had no excuse to run into her anymore. It was my last month at Wal-mart and I felt like I drifted so far away from Cayla, mainly because I didn't see her as much. On the day I left, I made a thank you card for her. I could never get the balls to give the card to her in person, so I just dropped it in her department on the floor some where I thought she would find it. I wrote a thank you for giving me the experience of feeling love and being there to keep me at Wal-mart longer than I thought I was going to last. I never knew if she ever did get that card, but I know I left it in her department.
That last night I worked at Wal-mart, I was so sad, because it felt like it was the end of everything. I drove to Prince Albert that night, and I was listening to music on the way. That song When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne came on, and the meaning was so strong, that I :'(. Now I never was the type to cry in any situation, no matter how sad. But the memories that song triggered, made me cry deep down, and for the first time in my life, I just :'( and :'(. I was so sad, that I just couldn't keep myself from crying. I finally understood how my little brother felt after he got dumped from his girlfriend. I remember when he cried and I thought,"it can't be that bad," very little did I know. I got a speeding that ticket that night, in Hauge for going 99 in a 80 zone. I will never forget that night ever, because it was so different.
(Read comments)
|
