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| Current music: | Up and Up(Acoustic)-Relient K |
Finally moving on along with the story...
Well my older brothers C and T finally went to toon town, so I finally have some privacy to myself.It honestly feels good to let out a lot of these memories I suppressed about girls, because I don't know what would of happened otherwise. This part that I am doing is about girls and how I have experienced them. I still want to go into detail about my brothers girlfriends throughout the years, because their girlfriends had a huge impact on me, about the way I view women. But right now I want to continue on about Lori, and the golden years. lol
It first started in the summer after tenth grade. Me and my brothers C and J were looking for a summer job, but with the small town we lived in, it was hard to find one. So we all joined the odd job squad instead, because it was better than sitting around waiting for something to fall out of the sky. Well we finally got a call for our first job, which was picking weeds at the local research farm. The duration of the job was for two weeks, and it was eight hours a day. There was a lot of people during the first two days, but they ended up tapping out later on. So for the majority of the time, it was just like eight of us picking weeds all day long. We would plant trees and fix up the various sections of research crops.
Lori finally came like in the last week of the job. She showed up that morning right when the sun was rising, so when I seen her the sun was shining right behind her. It was like it was straight out a movie or something, because I was completely surprised. Lori stands at about 5'0, with chestnut brown eyes, and long straight natural brunette hair. She has to weigh about ninety-five pounds, and she is mainly Ukrainian. Because I did after all live in a Ukrainian town. She really worked her for her body, because she was also a part time farmer. I didn't think too much of her at the time, because she had a boyfriend, who I would always see with her. But she had such an attractive personality, it was hard not to talk to her.
We would pick weeds and just talk the whole day through basically. She would tell me all about her horse that she owned and cared for. Her family owned a farm about fifteen kilometers due north of Canora. So she told me all about her farm life, about how she drives the big grain trucks around and how she already knew how to operate a combine. She had a choice to work in town or farm, but both options paid equally. Lori was just looking to have a good time working. She told me lots of information on how to raise horses, properly groom them, and even race them. I asked her at one point about her boyfriend and she said she was with him for about two years and it was good. I asked her lots of stuff, like how it was to be born and raised in one little town. She asked me about my life, because it was so different from what she was used to. In my eyes, she was this uninterrupted, innocent girl that was isolated from all the bull shit in the world. Lori enjoyed going out to a field to watch a storm roll in and watch the lightning and listen to the thunder. This is where I understood the difference between a city girl and a country girl.
It just didn't seem like that spark was there though, even though the chemistry was amazing. I always looked at her like being a potential best friend, just because the way we were open with each other. Then the other side of me brought me back down to earth. I would have this low self confidence, and tell myself that this is something that can only exist when no one else (we both know) is around. And just remembering how my family is reminded me that I couldn't have a really nice white girlfriend like her. Pretty much, my self-conscious created this separate world for me to show me where my boundaries were. So for the longest time, I just kept the memories of her that summer locked away.
For grade eleven I was preoccupied with Lindsay, but Lori still found the time to converse with me. I would have to wait for my older brother C outside the computer lab, just before lunch everyday after gym class. And Lori had to wait for her boyfriend at that same time, so as a result, we ended up outside waiting together. Gurski was there sometimes on random occasions...I think he was trying to win Lori's heart over her boyfriends. I didn't think anything of it, because I wasn't that into Lori. But we would talk about life growing up and past memories of our totally different childhoods. We would talk about things happening around our small town, and just about anything to help the time pass by. Little did I know that those conversations had more meaning than I thought.
For the second semester in grade eleven, Lori some how ended up sitting right in front of me in class. You see I don't write fate, it just happens before my eyes...lmao. No but seriously, this was like a plan from the beginning, because I honestly didn't even have feelings for Lori. I was always occupied with someone else, by the way this was about six months before my good dose of rejection. Lori would always find a way to say hi to me every morning, which was kind of odd. Because she was very shy when it came to our classmates seeing us talk. Weird if you ask me, how only certain people can talk to each other. I think sometimes because I was a neechee and the group she hung around with was cowboys. The cowboys were like pro racist type of people, that me and my brothers always had a problem with. But I think she didn't care after a while, especially after getting to know me better. But in my eyes, she was always this cool chick that I could talk to all the time. Just let me remind that I did not have any ounce of deep feelings for her. I can blame that on myself, because I have burned it into my head, that when I am focused of one girl, I block every other girl out, no matter who she is. I see it that way especially because of how jealous my brothers girlfriends were. It made me think that if I ever thought about another girl... it was bad. But any ways, some days when I would borrow supplies off of Lori, she would look at me in a particular way. Just the stare she gave me sometimes, made me think about what the hell she was trying to tell me. I just told myself, "forget it Hank, like that would ever happen to you." So my self-esteem was kind of down, because even in my lowest times, where I felt like the ugliest guy and there was no-one, it was like she seen right through me. Like she seen the person that I tried to hide from everyone, especially my family. But I never did go forward with her, because I was battling with myself, which I still do today.
I would always see her at the Esso gas station with her friends all the time for some reason. And like every time I seen her she would ask me to go see if I could work at the research farm again...just like old times. Well the research farm was out for the summer, so the only place to get a small job was at the strawberry farm. Lori asked me if I could go work there and she would meet me there to work for the summer. Well I went to the strawberry farm and got fired on the first day. Yeah, it did do damage on the way I seen myself. I got fired because I was laying down working because I was wearing shorts and my knees digging into the straw hurt. The guy gave me an hours wage, but I ripped it up, because I realized I fucked up a bigger opportunity. I started to realize at this point, I was beginning to develop stronger feelings for Lori. I seen her at the gas station another night and she asked me if I checked out the strawberry farm. I lied and told her that they had enough workers already. I was too cowardice to tell her that I got fired over a stupid thing. I held my pride too high for what? My reputation? Now that I think of it, there is so much things I still regret to this day, but reflecting on my choices makes me feel at peace more.
That is when it happened...:( Suicide hit my little small town. Lori's little sister Chelsea ended up shooting herself and then things were never the same. I was thinking how Lori had such a great uncorrupted life, and then this happens and brings everything down. It was that stupid battle between the cowboys, neechees, and punks. Why the fuck can't everyone just get along like good little boys and girls? But after that happened, it was like Lori just cut her connection with me. That particular look was gone, and it seemed like she just tried to block everything. She went back into a shy person and things just didn't seem the same anymore.
On my graduation, I seen her there in the most beautiful white dress I ever seen in my life. It was almost like it was a wedding dress, how beautiful it looked on her. But she gave me a look that I won't ever forget. It was a look of concern and then whatever type of look. Like she was telling me,"what happened?" as she looked at me standing with my escort Cathrine. If it ever went my way, I would have been her escort and her mine. We would have kept in touch and I probably would have told her how I felt. But no, things just don't go your way sometimes, and fairy tales don't always have a happy ending.
I still remember the last time I ever saw her. It was during the Saskatchewan centennial celebration 2005. I seen her standing at the gas station, just like she was waiting for someone. I knew at this time that she was broken up with her boyfriend for about a year. I just looked at her and she gave this body language like she was just going to wait and wait. That night, I just wanted to go up to her and ask her to come watch the fireworks with me. But I couldn't do it, I was already chilled up from getting rejected a year ago. Imagine a repeat, shit that would crush my world, that is why I choose to stay in the safe zone. But after the fireworks, I went back to the gas station and she was gone, and that is the last time I ever saw her....
I still think of her from time to time, wondering where she is or how she is doing. Will I ever run into her again? Let her know i'm thinking of her, because she will always have a piece of my heart. I actually still look for a girl that fits her physical appearance and qualities. That is why I said earlier that she shaped what I look for in a girl.I did meet a girl like three years later that kind of fit her physical appearance. Her name is Cayla...
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