| Current mood: |  confused |
| Current music: | Hope For Every Fallen Man- Relient K (acoustic) |
Dissapointment happens to all of us...
Well like I said earlier, I did experience the one thing I was afraid of when it came to girls. Rejection hits everyone one time in life. But I fully understand why I was rejected, now that I really think about it. I was one completely confused creep kind of guy. Because what kind of a guy goes up to chick and tries to ask her out, out of the blue? uhhhh... me hahahaha But how the hell was I supposed to know how it went, I was just this guy hitting puberty not knowing a god damn thing about relationships or how to pick up a girl. But I am sort of glad I got rejected because it made me realize that not everything in life goes my way. So I did learn a lesson from it all, that the world doesn't revolve around me. I can't say that I didn't reject girls before, I had girls do the exact same thing to me. Some random chick that knew me somehow would come ask me out, out of the blue and I was stunned. I guess it just show's me how crazy love can make one person, because after all, when your in love, you are in a state of craziness.
Her name is Lindsay L***a, and she is in my Biology 30 class. I can really explain what attracted me to her in the first place, other than that she was older than myself. I was still caught up in the notion that older girls were more mature and better than younger ones. That was pretty stupid of me to think that, but I didn't really know much back then. Or I guess I was just waiting for something to fill the gap that formed inside me after Nicole was giving up on waiting. But I guess I just was looking for someone to be attached to, because after all, everyone just wants to be happy, no matter what you have to do.
I never did talk to her, which really makes me feel more like a creep. I would just see her every single day, at random places around Canora. Well she always drove this little silver Cavalier, and I would always see her drop off her friend after school, who lived like two houses away from me. She also worked at the dairy bar, and I would always go get a slush puppy every once in a while, when she was working. She was always smiling all the time, which is probably what set this notion off in my head that she was smiling because of me. Its pretty weird what kind of story you can build in your head over a big misunderstanding. I would actually wake up some mornings really happy, just because I had a dream of holding her in my arms. It was more of the fact that having someone to call my own that made me happy.
Yeah, but one day while I was at the park with my brothers and friends, I was growing the balls to go and ask Lindsay out. The music I was listening to played a big part in getting the courage to ask her out. I think I was listening to Jack Johnson's Waiting and Limp Biscuit's Faith. But I got up and went to go to the dairy bar where she was working, and ordered a blue raspberry slush puppy. When she gave it to me I said,"Uhhh Lindsay, do you think you could go out with me?" She looked at me kind of shocked and said,"I hardly even know you though." At this time, my mind was spinning in a way I never felt it spin before, probably because I never thought I would ever get this much courage. But it was almost like a dream, because it was just like the words were flowing through my mouth without control, there was no going back. I countered her statement with," Well I barely even know you, we could both get to know each other." Then she blew the line that shot me down. I mean she probably could of told me off the bat, but I think she wanted to let me down softly. She finally said,"I'm sorry Hank, but I have a boyfriend already (long pause) Sorry." I replied," Sorry if I freaked you out, and thanks for your time."
I have no clue as to why I was trying to be formal about the whole thing, but I guess I just wanted to show that I wasn't upset. I kept on telling myself, don't feel bad, you barely even knew her. And there was this other voice in my head saying, "Holy shit, you just got rejected for the first time," over and over. Part of me just wanted to laugh at it, because it was a new feeling. But deep down, I was kind of disappointed because I focused a lot of my feelings into this girl. I remember listening to this one song by Default, called Taking My Life Away. I focused all my feelings at the time into that song, so much that even if I hear it today, it still reminds me of the first rejection that happened in my life. It was kind of awkward going to class the next day, knowing what I did, but I just acted like everything was normal. I guess I could say that I just swallowed it all down, because I couldn't handle it all at the time. Come to think of it, I never spoke to a soul about it until now, and it feels like I released a part of me that was bugging me.
I'm not afraid to admit that I was kind of messed up in my teenage years. But when I think to myself sometimes, I think how fortunate I am, because some people get really fucked up worse that what I did. But who am I to say that? Its not like I know people from looking at them, there is always a bigger story underneath a person, when you think of it. We all wear masks no matter where we are, when I go to work I put on a mask, because if people knew the real me... I don't know. I guess i'm still kind of afraid to be myself sometimes, because of my family.
Well next time I am going to move on to the girl that completely programed my mind as to what I look for in a girl today. Well, what I look for physically anyways, the personality is another thing. I still wonder to this day, what if? That question probably crosses everyone's mind every once in a while. But she was the last girl I truly really like in my teenage years. Her name is Lori.
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