Walking With Shadows (l0st_in_silence) wrote, @ 2007-11-26 22:07:00

Keep your head up, or your neck will break
Love is a very consuming thing. And ignoring love is one of the saddest.

I will admit it, i love him. I've loved him for as long as i can remember. And i had the highest hopes for us. He's now my best friend, and he hates me. We fight every single day about the stupidest things, and he is so mean to me. Meaner than anyone has ever been to me in my entire 20 years of existence. But i keep letting him come back, i keep answering the phone, i keep allowing myself to be bullied by a guy who obviously wont ever return my feelings. But what am i supposed to do. Our friendship, you can barely call a friendship. It almost feels as though now he just expects me to go completely out of my way for him, which i loved to do at one time. But what kills me most is, i dont understand why we bicker the way we do. All i know, is that sometimes his very voice just sends me into a fit of annoyance and anger. It very well might all be in my head, and from what he says everything is always my fault. But why does he call me the next day like nothing happened. No apologies, no mention of the night before, just a hey whats up lets hang out.

I cant go on like this anymore though. Its too much emotionally for me to take. I've tried to be strong and just accept that thats just the way he is. But its too hard. How can a person be that difficult all the time. He makes me feel as though im worthless as a person. Like im not good enough for anything, and that im just trouble.

Is he crazy? or am i crazy? or is it a combo of crazy?

I never told him i loved him, i never show him any type of emotion. Yes we've kissed, yes we've had sex, but to him i guess it was meaningless.

I just cant stand this never ending battle with love. The only thing i've ever wanted is to have someone love me as much as i love them. Every birthday wish, every shooting star, and every 11:11. But look what i get stuck with. The scum bags.. the players.
I've never even had a boyfriend, i've been waiting and waiting and waitinggggggg but its never fucking coming.

I always rant about the same things.

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