|Current mood:|| drained|
|Current music:||Nine Inch Nails - Hurt|
This is a big one...
Well, first of all I would like to say FUCK YOU REBECCA! That feels a little better, I guess.
So, here I am reading some of my ex girlfriends posts in her journal from forever ago.. I thought the posts about me were funny. Talking about how in love with me she is and all that bullshit. Then the other day I was going through her more recent entrys only to find something that I DEFINETLY didn't need to see right now.
She decided to make an apology list to the people she feels that she owes an apology. Curious, I wonder if my name is on the list. Don't really know why it would be so I start reading. She goes through all of her exes before me and then she gets to me.
"Also, Chris Robinson. This is the only person in my life I have honestly, flat out, used. However, I do not feel too bad about it because he did the same to me a year earlier so we're kind of even. I was going through a breakup at the time and was falling apart at the seams so I started dating Chris to take my mind off the fact that I had lost Brad. Satisfied me at the time until someone else came along. I feel like I should give him an apology where the rest of the people on the list, I really want to apologize to. "
Whhhhhaaaattt thhhheee fuck!! Sure as hell didn't see that shit coming. Now to let it be known, I didn't have strong feelings for her, I wasn't in love with her. I'll explain exactly why this has upset me to the point that I woke up sick this morning.
Number 1, I never "used" her. The time she is talking about a "year earlier" we had just met and decided to go out on a date, we dated for about 2 weeks. I saw her maybe twice because her mother didn't want her to go out, and even though we didn't see each other much I was starting to fall for her. I had NEVER felt like that about anymore and I honestly got scared because I didn't want to let myself go and broke it off with her. Someone explain to me how I "used" her? All we did was talk for two weeks, I never even had sex with the girl. I didn't have sex with her the next time we got together.. so what did I use her for?
Now, on to the biggie. The fact that she used me to try and help her get over Brad, I knew Brad and I knew how bad she had it for him. We were together for maybe 2 or 3 months this time around and I still hadn't fallen for her. But she claimed to be in love with me, she would tell me that and write about it in her journal. Now, for some reason I never could see myself feeling the same way about her, but it wasn't because of her at all.. I didn't know what it was. But I realize it now, I knew the whole fucking time that I was being used, it just didn't register with me. I even asked her on a few occasions if she still loved Brad, she told me no.. that was a nice big lie. We still never had sex, we made out one time at my parents house on the couch New Years of '02. I never really even kissed her, she even asked me why I never "kissed her passionatly".. that even made me wonder, "Why don't I kiss her like that." I couldn't because I knew what was going on in her head I just didn't "get it" for some reason. She was always wanting to have sex with me, or to kiss her like I love her, and all that bullshit. Only so I could fill that little void that Brad left, not because she loved me... I never really believed her when she said she loved me.
But the reason I am so upset over this is not because she used me. As stupid as this may sound, honestly I'm scared I'm being used again. But I have no real reason to believe that I am, but I didn't with Rebecca either. I just knew it. I've noticed that my gut instinct has always been right.
Now why would I think I'm being used by someone that I seem to have the most amazingly perfect relationship with? Because not long after her and her ex broke up we got together.. and she met me when she was lonely and missing her ex and wanting someone basically to make her forget about him. And she says most all the same things that Rebecca has said.
So what is so different this time? I'm in love. For the first time I let my inpenitrable barrier down and let someone in that is very special to me and that I can honestly say I'm in love with. So why does it upset me so much? Because I think my frail heart can only break once. And since I fell in love I felt pain in my heart for the first time really, when I am away from her my heart honestly aches, it hurts. And if things happen like they did with Rebecca, I don't think I'm going to make it.
BUT! Don't even think it's going to be over, I'm not that stupid. If I ended it to prevent any pain that would kill me so fast, I would just sit there and watch my life fade away without ever feeling a damn thing. So what am I going to do?
I was talking to a friend last night about all this, and I told him my concerns and worries. basically what he said was, "How do you know if you aren't willing to find out?" So as I sat and thought about that the tears stopped streaming down my face and I realized that if I were to end the only great thing that has happened in my life that I will never really see how wonderful life can be. Now don't think for a minute that I was about to leave this girl, hell no... that is something I can't do. So what if she is using me to fill that void her ex left in her heart? Well, if I have a damn thing to do with it she is going to forget all about that stupid fuck and realize that she can replace him with someone that he could never measure up too! My biggest fear is that she will leave me to be with him again, but you know what... even if she did she is going to come running back because she will realize that he will never love her as much as I do! I can guarantee that.
What I am going to do is love her, and continue to love her. And if she runs away for whatever reason I will still love her, and she will come back and be greeted with arms and heart open as wide as they can possibly be. I have never opened myself to anyone, and I never thought I would. Since I have opened up to her I have been scared shitless, all of my insecurities have surfaced (some I didn't even know existed), and I feel like I'm pushing her away with my fear. I've had alot of time to think today, and this is all I have been thinking about all day. All I really know is that love is the strongest feeling that I have ever felt in my life, and I feel it everytime I think about Kendra.
Babe, I know you are reading this. You know I don't hide anything from you, even though it's hard for me to express how I feel I eventually find some way. I know I am weak, my insecurities always seem to take me over and make me think things that are not true. I'm trying my hardest to fight them because I know they are slowly pushing you away from me. I am going to try my hardest to be so strong for you, and it's got to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I know that there is no way I can do it without your help, you're going to have to strong for me too. I'm not going to lose you because of myself, I've already lost too much. I love you with every ounce of my heart and soul and I'll love you no matter what. I'm yours until the end of my days.
This is alot to post, and most of it probably doesn't make much sense and I'm sure I've made tons of errors. But I really don't care, I just started writting and this is what came out. So all you perfectionists out there can kiss my ass.