|Current mood:|| contemplative|
|Current music:||um nothing unfortunately|
ok.. lets see.. I am a MORON. I just wrote a novel.. per the norm.. and then... again.. per the norm.. I lost it. yes i did.. and it was very much explanitory of my life crisis... whatever.
Im just gonna write a few lines right now.
As of this morning, I have realized that people dont really ever change... meaning more than one person.. the one who made me realize it however.. was the one whos away message is as follows:
Im online rite now for one reason, unfortunately that reason is not you, so dont leave a message, cuz I wont be getting back to you.(This also means no IMs saying hope you fell better, or , or , or Ill be preying for you, or hope your having a good day) If you do decide to leave a message like this you will be blocked from my buddylist, and I really dont care who you are.
NO.. it wasnt about me.. it was about a friend of mine who.. had a bad night.. and I warned her that he had crushed me in the past.. and now i feel bad cuz i feel like i didnt protect her...
I just talked to val.. and that made me realize other people who.. well.. they arent gonna change.. one whom I was seriously considering emailing last night.. and decided.. um.. if he wants to talk to me... the line is open.. otherwise why subject myself to the pain. As far as I know he hates me.. and I still tried.. so.. I have left the door open.. he just needs to except the invitation. I think about him constantly.. wish i could be there for him while times are rough... i do regret what i had said... i needed someone too... :( The other one.. really has no connection to me.. but I just hope he doesnt hurt my friend again. I have known it all along.. but he is starting to slip and I can see it...
Otherwise.. I am now wiping my slate clean. I am no longer going to apologize for every little thing. I have a right to be slightly upset sometimes.. especially over things that I have tried to fix. I love my friends and I go out of my way to tell them that. I know they care about me.. Josh def. showed me that last night. Thank you for the wonderful talk. You always know how to make me feel better.
Paranoia has gotten me nowhere.. I am not going to be able to stop being paranoid... this I know.. However I am going to try very hard to not hang on to every last word. Especially when things are too vague.. that is usually what catches me.. then I read into things. I am just gonna appreciate my friends.. cuz hell! I have the best friends in the whole world and who wants to miss out on that!