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It's funny how people change. I was just thinking about this today, and I was beginning to get so upset with myself, and the way things turned out with life. For example, Joe and I. Yeah, another Joe entry, but it was all triggered by a mind test in psych that I couldn't stop thinking about. "Are you unhappy with the way things turned out now?" "Have you ever been so happy with someone that it made you cry?" And yeah, first things that came to mind was Joe. And I miss him, but I miss the old Joe. Who he was, not who he became. I could remember going to those dumb meetings and laughing so hard because he was funny, everyone loved him. He had a sense of humor and an amazing personality that no one could ignore. And I loved him right away for it, because I didn't think I could find anyone better than him. The 1am visit dealy made me a little teary eyed. He would find time for me, and we would hangout with his friends, but the times alone were unforgettable because it was more one on one, and he actually found time to do that for me. Surprise surprise. So basically he started out as a wonderful person, who was adored by everyone, and just incase you haven't noticed, those kind of people are intrigueing to me. If everyone could love them, so could I because they give off that vibe that you just feel so comfortable around. So basically, this was last years summer, amazing, I could remember every day like it was yesterday. Then new friends came along, okay. Joe went through a stage that wasn't so pleasant. I don't know much from it, because I went from becoming wonderful girlfriend, to being pooped on because I didn't drink nyquil or cut my wrists before I went to bed every night. Not to say I've never done it, I've been hospitalized, ugh horrible experience and definatly not to judge him or his friends, I love them all (the new ones at least), but at that period in time, things were bad. Really really bad. Not necessarily his actions, but the way he treated me. I was beginning to think that it was his friends, how could Joe go from being this amazing guy, to becoming such an asshole to me for no reason at all? I don't know, and it upsets me now to think about it. So I moved on, and then was "used" or whatever that drama shit was. That's another thing, drama. But I'm getting side tracked, so how he got that way? I don't know. So in that period of time, it was problem time. Joe dropped all his old friends for these new wycd friends, that became a cult, I swear to Jesus, and it was ridiculous because they were mean to everyone. He started smoking, and became rude to me, and didn't talk to me. I didn't even bother, I moved on and was okay after a while, but it still hurt. It hurt alot. I blamed myself at parts of time, but then I realized, Joe's actions weren't my fault. He decided to be friends with those people, who he claims to hate now, but he chose to become like that and be an asshole to me. So those were his problems. New years came around, I forgave him, why? I don't know, because I'm dumb. I was taking a huge chance on forgiving him like I did but things did get better. He wasn't hanging out with those people anymore, and wasn't talking about his problems, because let me tell ya, I've never had problems before. Not even going to get into that, it's upsetting. So, he supposedly stopped smoking, and taking medicines and cutting, I think. I'm not so sure. We hungout more, alone again, it was Joe's break from everything, I remember him telling me. I guess I could understand wanting to get my life on track after dealing with all that shit, but I did forgive him for how mean he was. But, I'm glad I did. Valentines day was unforgettable, I never thought I could be able to love Joe again, but I was probably more in love with him than anyone else I had ever loved before. I thought this was it, it doesn't get any better. I pictured myself being old with him, reinacting our first valentines day together. It was sweet, it really was. I'll always love him for that night. So months go by, we weren't exactly together, shit happened, we faught, made up, faught again, but hey, that's what we did, we faught, and let me tell you, after all the shit that happened from the first day I met him until those months, saying we were sorry and we loved eachother meant so much to me. But the fights were continuous. Things we're okay I suppose, but he did go away spring break vacation, and I met the boy who I never thought I would ever get the chance of meeting. Travis Johnston, yeah baby. Most adorable kid alive, and I found him perfect, so I had to let go of Joe. Only because our bad times overshadowed our good, and I was dying to meet someone knew, and Travis was an amazing opportunity. So I broke it off with Joe, dumb Krista. But hey, I wound up being alot happier with him. I guess you could say, I loved him, but not near the extent as I loved Joe. Only because if Travis was ever an asshole to me, I would be like, kay bye! and not have to talk to him again, although he would come back eventually. So, I hurt Joe. I know I did, I'm not perfect, I knew it was bound to happen, and he's done it to me like a billion times. He hurt me through everything, every stage that he's been through, every little clique/cult group of friends he's had, he's either ditched me, or ignored me for, and every thing that he's done to hurt himself, he hurt me too. But after Travis and I started dating, I think Joe got the impression that hey, Krista's not going to be there for me anymore. She left me. And I did. I'm not proud of it or anything, because at times, I was hoping I could always be there for Joe, but how many times has he been there for me? I feel very strong that I did that because I don't need Joe like I thought I did. It was nice to have him there, but I didn't need him like I kept telling myself. So I thought about that, and I was happy with my decision to go with Travis. Being that he was a very good boyfriend, he was always nice to me, he treated me like I was everything to him, and then I had Joe promising me things that he wasn't planning on keeping. He told me he loved me, he sweet talked me. Sex, whatever, not a big deal anymore, I could care less. But the fact that he told me this and lied about it, it's the principle of lying; that's what upset me. So whatever, I was a sucker for sweet talk, Travis and I were done, and I ran back to Joe like a little girl running back to candy. It was nice, I'll admit that. He treated me very well, and he did improve alot and he complimented me, and told me he loved me. comparing to the other times when he treated me like shit (and during those times, I was too dumb to ever realize that I didn't have to blame myself for every fight we had, and maybe it wasn't me all the time that was causing this nonstop fighting and I had to get every single friend I've had telling me to just break it off with him.) But whatever, this time around it was nice. But I was still very very attracted to Travis. How could I not be? It was hard getting used to Joe from being with Travis. Partially because of the sex, and then because of the whole friends deal, and then because of the way they were, Travis and my ways, and then me and Joe because he was completely ignorant to the way I did things and my friends.. and sex. Obviously, so it was tough, but I'm also I'm not complaining, it was nice to go back to something familiar, especially Joe because I still deep down loved him. So I gave up, and I thought about everything and I can't think these things on my own, usually I'll be like, "Joe, I love him so much, He treated me so perfectly" when I was wrong, I was just telling myself that. Joe didn't treat me perfectly, I have a saved text message that says he knows how bad it was. But I gave the opportunity alot of chances, over and over again. And things were better, but not to any extreme... I just lied. He's a million times better. Well, I could think back to last year and how much better he is now than he was then. But hey, what do I have to compare to, I haven't talked to the kid in like 2 weeks. This isn't any new occasion. But anyway, I could remember when I finally did talk to him, I really missed him. As bad as this whole entry sounds, I love Joe, alot, only because I could never ever write anything like this about another person. I know Joe, and I know how he acts, and deep down, I know he'll always be that person that I first met, and I'll never ever... ever ever forget the first few weeks we got to know eachother. "We were like Alfalfa and Darla" and it was wonderful. But still, we make a terrible teenage couple, but what teenage couple is perfect? I could tell you if we were married and all this time that would pass from here until now, we would be so awesome. When you love someone, you love their imperfections and you love what they have that you don't. You love the qualities they have that you don't. I loved Joe because he was outgoing, up until he conformed into his little group thingy. I loved Joe becauseee he was interesting. Well, I'd like to think I'm interesting too, but we just have different interests and different interests in two interesting people make a very good combination. He was lyke t0tellie cayoote. And we were alike in alot of ways, which made it easy to get along. We were looking for the same things in life, same morals at one point. We were happy with our friends, and content with our lives. And we weren't strict about everything, like he is now about sex which is dumb. Whatever man. So it was fun at first because I found this about him right away. But the last time I was happy with the things he told me, he was coming him coming home after almost being in an accident, and saying "Hey, I know this is random, but I love you." You could not even imagine how I felt, since he was in one of those don't-talk-to-krista moods, and we hadn't talked for about a week, and he comes and says that and it was the most amazing feeling ever. Because we put up with eachother, and I we were always there for eachother. And being told your loved by someone you love so much back, is probably the greatest feeling I've ever experienced. And knowing that you're thought of right before an accident that could cause death.. that makes me feel so important to someone. And after all of this time, that was wanted I wanted from Joe. I wanted to be important instead of always pushed aside, and I wanted to be loved by him. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. But for the times I'm not, I don't want to be waiting around to be loved by him again. So Travis comes down every weekend, and I'm happy to say that things could work out, but something's missing. I don't know. But misscommunication from Joe isn't always a great thing. Yet, I know I'm not perfect, I'm dumb, I have terrible speaking skills, and I say things most of the times that I regret in the end, so I never meant to hurt him by my words if I ever did. And I'm talking way back, I really am dumb. I'm super shy, I'm a bad speller, I'm an open book and I have no mystery about me because he already knows everything. But I did everything for him, because I love him, and I hope he realizes that. So maybe when you find the time, and actually wonder what's going on in my life, you'll read this dumb blurty instead of calling me, and you'll understand that I don't have to care anymore, and it could be as easy for me to say goodbye to you as it was the first time. And I know I said I didn't need you, but sometimes I do, and when I don't necessarily need you, I want you to be a part of my life. A big part of my life like you always were. And then you'll realize that I miss you, I miss you more than anything in the entire world, and I love you. I know you've heard it all before And everyone makes mistakes these days... hey nobody's perfect But the choices that you make may involve someone else. If you think you've found that one That you really love... Make sure they love you back. Post a comment in response: |
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