|Current mood:|| lonely|
Feeling like Ben Grimm....
I've read some of my past entries. What complete and utter crap. Thats what hours of not sleeping gets you. The notion that i ramble crap was just an idea...the way that i saw myself as being. But now i see the truth. The things that i say are NOT well articulated or thought out. It would be wise not to write past 1am anymore.
I have no friends. I really don't. Check "Friends" and you'll see what i mean. This shows you that on one reads any of this. I don't know why i even to bother writing anymore. Even my closest friends don't bother with it. Not surprised by this though. Its times like this when i wonder what happened to everyone. People that would come home and read this have vanished out of my life. Its my fault really. It's not that i didn't want to be close to them. Or that i'm lazy. Its just that for a while i ceased to exisit. I do that from time to time. I "bamf" from all knowledge and "bamf" back when i'm ready to accknowledge the world that surrounds me. I'm not sure why i do this. Everyone seaks solitude, but at what cost? Would you risk someone's love to be alone? To lose a relationship so you can find whats missing in your life? It's ironic sometimes.
I've done it. Many times, in fact. I've done it to Amanda. Faerie. Black Cat. Besty. You'll all gone. Because i needed to find out whats missing. Do you know what it is that was missing? You. You're the one that missing in my life. And its taken your love for me to find out. Theres nothing that i can do to fix this now. How stupid can i be sometimes? So absent-minded that i forget about love. Love. This world has so little meaning to me anymore. Longs has it been since this word was spoken to me.
Faerie, i still wonder about you. I do. And its not an angry wonder. Its a caring wonder. What have you done with yourself? What has become of your hopes and dreams? Do you still walk in that garden? Probably not. I've ruined that....destroyed what little magikal light there was. I think about calling you more often. I'm curious really. Maybe because i feel more like the person i was when i was with you. Then again maybe it's because i'm anxious to show you who i am now. To tell you about the things that i've seen. To share with you what new things that i've discovered. Maybe just to have....a friend.
All this though will never happen. It'll end bad even if i explain my intentions. Cat would know. She could tell me if this is a bad idea. But then again....i haven't got her anymore. Oh how i miss you. I'm scared to call you. What would you think of me? How can i explain myself?
I feel like Ben Grimm. Loved so much, but he just can't get over the fact that he feels so ugly.
Its just too much pain.