| Current mood: |  lonely |
| Current music: | me crying, well i stopped as i wrote this. now just sniffles |
KILL ME PLEASE
I am bored. I started to read sarah's old blurtys. then mine, and then halfway through i started to cry. Uncontrollably. Especially once I started reading Cailey's old ones. But then it hit me. I have no life. I have been ranting and worrying about me and cailey for months. Even though, there is no me and cailey, there never will be. I'm the only one that even relatively cared about the other, now. I can't stop thinking about her. But as you get further into her journal, It's obvious she just can't get rid of me, that i'm just a pest, an inconvenience that she just didn't need in her way anymore. I really thought she liked me at least half as much as I liked her. If she did, then we would have worked out our problems and I'd still be happy. But if you haven't noticed, she's been a lot happier since we broke up. That's how i know it, even though i feel like shit and think that if I was that happy with her than there must be some way for us to be together, it doesn't matter. If she's this happy then i guess no matter how i feel, we weren't meant to be together. I still don't beleive it even though all the evidence is right in front of me. I still love her, I still miss her and want one more chance to make things right. If she reconsidered her feelings for me It would make me happier than i have been in months. But you know what, life doesn't work that way. Only in movies or fairy tales can anybody feel that great then get the feeling back again when you lose it. Only in stories can you be happy forever, or even more than a few months at a time. And dreams I suppose, those are always good. In my life: Stories and movies like that lead to dreams, you dream of these amazing things and feelings coming into your life and everythings great but then you wake up, sad and lonely. Then these dreams lead to hopes, hopes that your dreams will come true. Hopes that your Elysian-like happiness will eventually find you and you will live happily ever after in content prosperity. In other words, all of these things lead to false hopes. For many people, me included: happiness,joy, life; and all it's wonderous positive emotions and feelings, ARE ALL FALSE HOPES. I have decided that for me at least, life is false hopes. Constant promises of joy from everywhere, all corrupted by the deceit of nature. All for what? So that I can struggle through my sorrow for the slight chance (usually impossible) that I can pass on some of my few joys and good qualities in the hope that my next generation will live a more fulfilling life than I!? Sorry but after going through all that I have and knowing that'm only knee deep, not even scratching the surface, at the very start of my hardships.. Sorry but i don't feel charitable in the form of some unascertained cause. I know this is very pessimistic of me but it's life as I currently see it. I'm sure it has potential to positively progress, but I just don't think I have the patience. Patience, my weak point. A valuable virtue that i do not wield. I know I should be able to try and be patient, maybe keep myself busy with a new hobby, but unfortanately, I just don't think I can muster it.
Well there's Bens philosophy of life that i've generated in the last 5 minutes. Wow when i get thinking about these types of things i don't stop.
Have a great summer everybody.
(Read comments)
|
