| Current mood: |  determined |
| Current music: | Avenged sevenfold. |
I remember at the beginning i spent all of my savings week after week.
Paying for taxis in the middle of the night, sneaking out, to sleepnext to you for 4 hours and then getting another cab back , sneaking back in.
This carried on for weeks costing me ALL of my savings.
I remember our first arguement and knowing it wasnt my fault at all.
i remember that you made me feel weak and so i agreed with what you said.
I remember lying that it was my fault.
I remember easter, when all we did was smoke joint after joint of god knows what shit in that shithole of yours.
I remember realising what was happening to my mind and to my functioning body.
I remember when you first laughed at an outfit of mine.
I remember you being embarrased of me.
I remember when i first self inflicted because of you.
I remember how it felt and how it was breaking my pact to myself. I remember feeling weak, empty, alone and helpless.
I remember when you first said i was fat, i remember eating nothing but an apple a day for a days.
I remember feeling ugly, embarrasing, not good enough and discusting.
I remember looking at you and feeling fat. I remember the day i wanted to have an eating disorder.
I remember realising i was changin because of you.
I remember when you convinced me to get back with you.
I remember letting my guard down the moment you told me you loved me, and that you would change.
I remember that i was out, i was free. But i came back like a lost child finding its comfort cloth.
I remember when it went back to normal.
I remember then, that did everything.
I remember buying the food, doing the washing.
I remember that night your hand wrap around my neck and my head smacked against the wall.
I remember not feeling scared, but feeling relieved.
I remember feeling it was now out, i had a reason to run away.
I remember the first person i told. I remember how they wanted to hurt you. I remember that they wanted to hurt you in ways you wouldnt believe.
I remember that they then had a reason to really loathe you.
I remember when finally i gave in.
I remember when i lost my mind and begged you not to leave me.
I now realise, how you had me wrapped around every marching order, every chore, every curfew.
I remember the day i got out.
I remember you telling me that i could stay longer.
I remember i grabbed my opportunity.
I remember that i left.
I remember that day i moved everything out.
I remember the months of silence.
I remember the moment of warmth months later when you told me you missed me.
I remember saving it.
I remember trying to delete it.
I still look at it today.
Knowing i came out with one tiny bit of dignity.
I remember how you RUINED me.
and how now im building a new.
I know now, i'd never go back.
I know now, im worth more.
I know now, im alive.
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