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kitty (kittyjc) wrote,
@ 2004-10-08 22:54:00
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    Current mood: irritated
    Current music:silence

    Wow, I'm turning into a classic depressed teenage girl. I've withdrawled from friends (honestly dont remember the last time I went out and partied, maybe in the summer?), I've stopped calling people to talk. I've lost interest in so many things. I just don't care. I'd rather just be in my bed. I can't focus. I can't do much of anything. Ana is back, so great--my mind is already beginning to be completely obsessed with calories and stuff. My effexor that I just started (Lexapro didnt work) a couple weeks ago isnt really doing anything. This is a long weekend, and i just want it to end. It's weird- i am not looking forward to anything. Any social event just seems stupid because i dont feel like "acting" or pretending, i dont feel like putting on that fake smile anymore and making small talk. I'm not happy, I can't have fun in those situations, I'm not going to drink at this point in my mental health state, so what's the point of torturing myself. Might as well just stay in. Boyfriend doesnt know what to do with me. I have plans with him, something i used to never get sick of, and i just sit there. i dont smile, i feel like im wasting his time. he doesnt know what to say. we've been together almost 3 yrs now and its like im a different person. i just sit there. nothing is fun or interesting anymore. im just bored and tired and wanna pause everything. as much as i want my boyfriend to be here, i dont, because he deserves better. im very sensitive right now to anything loud. honestly, i walk into my school, and those stupid fucking sophmores are all screaming because they havent seen each other in like 12 hours, and i wanna fucking kick em or something. noise is very aggrivating to me right now.

    when i look back on this entry, i would imagine the person that wrote this (i'm saying, like if i was reading it and i didnt write it) was a girl with dyed black hair, piercings all over, gothic look, hated everyone.
    no. i have (not that i connect with them much anymore) a close group of 11 best girlfriends, a loving boyfriend...i'm small, not pretty, too fat, and sick of this all. everytime i have a chance to socialize, i'll get out of it. i cant follow conversations because my comments are too negative and i dont really care that much what other people have to say.

    lets hope this gets better.

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