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Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, OCD, is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as hand washing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed with the hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these so-called "rituals," however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them markedly increases anxiety.
Yeah, so, this is a disorder that I have and don't really talk about. This is something really personal so it took me awhile to decide on whether or not I wanted to talk about this or not. I'm going to list some of the things that I do on a daily basis. So, here goes:
-I wash my hands a lot (this is starting to get worse, I'm washing them more and more now).
-I wipe off eating utensils and plates before I use them and I can't have some other kind of food on the utensil if I'm going for something else on my plate.
-Food on my plate can't be mixed, I can't eat it.
-If food doesn't look good or if it's not 'perfect' I can't eat it.
-If someone touches my food, I can't eat it.
-I cannot drink after someone, or eat.
-If there's a water mark on a cup that I'm going to use I wash it and wipe it off with a paper towel before I use it even if I am just putting water in it for me to drink. I can't mix water I used to wash it with water I'm going to drink.
-I'm afraid of germs but I don't have problems kissing my boyfriend (when I have one).
-If someone coughs or sneezes around me, inside, I'm freaking out imagining all the germs are coming straight at me to contaminate me.
-I don't like people touching me, it makes me feel really dirty, a lot of the time I wipe my hands off after I touch someone (usually it's just people I don't know).
-When I kiss someone, I have to to keep kissing them until it feels right, sometimes one kiss is enough, sometimes 3, sometimes more.
-I have to make a lot of things look perfect.
-If someone folds my clothes, I have to unfold them and fold them perfectly, myself.
-There's this thing I recently started doing with my eyes, I can't really explain it.
-I sometimes squeeze my eyes shut (not that often).
-I sometimes have to blink until it feels right.
-I have to touch my hair all the time.
-I count A LOT of different things, such as how many steps I take or how many strokes of deodorant I put on, etc...
-I touch things with both hands if it doesn't feel right touching it with only one.
-I have to touch things a certain amount of times, such as when I'm going to open a door, I have to touch the doorknob how ever many times (until it feels right) with both hands. Or a light switch.
-I have to constantly know the time.
-When I go to bed at night, and the alarm has to be on I repeatedly check to make sure it is on every couple minutes until I eventually fall asleep because I think that it's not on even when I know I turned it on.
-When I wake up in the middle of the night (which I do constantly) I have to get up and check the time.
-I have to tap on things until I am able to stop.
-Sometimes I have to keep saying a word, or phrase, more than once.
-When I'm using the computer, I have to click the mouse on the desktop until it feels right, sometimes I'll do it for a few seconds, sometimes I do it for minutes.
-Sometimes I have to make sure things are turned off, even if I know it's off, I have to turn it back on and then turn it off again.
-I can't step in footprints at the beach if I'm barefoot.
-Before I have to leave somewhere where I'll need money and I KNOW I have enough, I will pull out my wallet and count the money, I will do this countless times before I leave the house and then again before I get out of the car. Something just keeps telling me I don't have enough.
-I have to keep looking into the mirror, if there's no mirror around and I walk by a reflective surface, I have to look.
-All my cosmetics that I use daily need to be in a certain order with all the labels facing forward.
These are just SOME of the things that I do that I've worked up the courage to tell everyone. My OCD is just getting worse and worse and is starting to take over my life. It drives me crazy to the point where I get mad at myself for doing these things. It makes me hate myself.
All this happens from the time I wake up to the time I fall asleep, everyday.
There are a few things that I have quit doing but every once in awhile they do come back; they aren't named here.
If anyone who reads this has OCD also, give me some feedback. Tell me some of the things you do.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Until next time,
TaraKay! :)
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