| Current mood: |  depressed |
Selective Mutism
Well, in my last entry I said that I'd update you all on my Disney trip but honestly there's just too much to say about it. So much happened there. I ACTUALLY felt happy for that little bit of time that I was there. I knew that once my cousin left to go back to California that I would go back to the life that I was living before she came to visit. It sucks. She's gone now and now I have no one to talk to at any time of day, in person, about anything that's bothering me. It sucks. I'm so used to the lonely life that I live. I really wish that this life wasn't the one chosen for me. I try to stay positive but no matter how positive I stay, nothing goes right. I'm beginning to think that I don't deserve anything. Nothing.
I wish that my cousin didn't have to go back to California. I look up to her a lot. I always have; including when I was little. I consider her my hero. She really is. She's the only person I know who wont let me down. She gives me advice and I know I can trust her. This world is a cruel place and you cannot trust anyone...but I trust her. And I know she'll always be there for me. At anytime.
I just wish California wasn't so far away.
People must think that I choose to live and be this way. I didn't choose the life I live. No one knows just HOW MUCH I would LOVE to feel like a normal person. To BE like a normal person. I wish I could be normal for just one day. I would seriously give anything...or EVERYTHING I have just to be normal for one day. Everyone thinks I have it easy. When really, I don't. It's harder than it looks, I just try to act like its not that bad. You think I get to choose who and who not to talk to? No. I don't. It's this stupid disorder that I have that prevents me from speaking to those I don't speak to. I didn't choose to have this. I wish I could lose a limb rather than to have selective mutism. Really, I would. I wish everyone could live a day in MY shoes and see how stressful it is. It's not fun living like this. I don't live a normal life and I wish you all could see. Yeah, sometimes you may see me laugh when people make fun of me about not talking. But on the inside... On the inside I'm not laughing; on the inside I'm crying, DYING, wishing that I didn't have to live with it.
I've been trying so hard to overcome it since I've moved to Florida. I've made so much progress. But no matter how much progress I make, I will always have it and I will never get a breath of that normal life. Never. There's always going to be a part of me that's been permanently affected by it. Forever.
I don't want to live with it. I wish you all could understand.
It is a rare disorder and I wish you would all take the time to research it. Really. Everyone who has it is suffering. The more people know about it, the easier it makes it on us that do have it. If you have a heart, read up on it. I promise you it won't be a waste of your time.
I'm done. I'm too upset to say anything more.
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