| Current mood: |  restless |
| Current music: | The Dolls (Jane Jensen) |
*Radio Edit*
Editing TBM to actually 'publish' it is really taking me back to 2003 and also really making me think. About things. I'm on the verge of a breakdown, and freaking out over being on the verge of a breakdown is just pushing me closer to it. No fair! No fair!
Tomorrow I'll pick things out for Aih-Fic and I'll write the Chintsubu fic ASAP. That I can do. That will be teh-funneh.
Fill the Holes... may need to talk to LN about changing the end date. Hmmm.
Not going to bother with the Ycon contest. Would much rather write for YaoiMagazine. Must e-mail back with some stuff for that, once my head isn't about to explode.
I can get there. I can. I just... Dad yelling that I didn't do things yesterday and him being drunk as always and going on about things... probably exaggerating because he found one spot I missed and instead of telling me I missed a spot just yelled that I did nothing because even when I'm hurt and depressed and on the edge of a breakdown, I must really just hate him and that's my problem with everything. And that I'm lazy.
I'm not him. My body is not as strong as his. I cannot do the things he can. I don't care that I'm young and strong and whatever... I have limits and those are different than his. I'll work on it tomorrow but I just know he'll come home and yell that I did nothing.
I am nothing. I'm just so much nothing.
Will be interesting to see if Sweetie calls me. He didn't... last time he said he was going to.
I... am growing more frustrated and confused with even the basics of my sexuality and even gender... I must be borderline disassociative, too, or something. Guh.
And I think I just have too many ideas for things to write, too many requests and deadlines and people expecting things and I try too hard to make people happy and all these things are colliding and while I was doing really good at the beginning of the month, all the other shit going on has just bottled everything up and now nothing will come out.
I'm just staring at the screen. Which is why I've started editing. Because if I can't create new words, maybe I can fix up old ones.
I don't want a pity-fest. This is not my pity fest. I just came here to be somewhere not-LJ where I could just ramble and not clog up f-lists or inconvenience anyone with my ongoing angst.
I just need to get this out and I don't care who does or who doesn't see it.
Random spoilers, since they're in my head:
--No, he had not expected his first foray into homosexuality to end in decades of domestic bliss. But he hadn't expected it to have involved so much emotional pain, either. Maybe that just meant that it had been the real deal.--
--"You know," Ethan said as he stood in front of the black-haired judge of the dead, "I think I'm still waiting for the moment you tell me that you're my father and that I wasn't brought here solely to see how many horrible things I could find to do."--
Oh yes, and that thing you've been wondering about in BBE. Um... Magic 8 Ball says 'Most Likely'.
Ugh. Enough wankishness from K... *dies*
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