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Be_Not_Be (k_ci_mac) wrote,
@ 2003-08-10 03:15:00
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    Current mood: frustrated
    Current music:Kamikaze by Five Iron Frenzy

    Insomnia is such a bitch! I can't sleep and I have church in the morning. I have to be up at 9:00. It's now 3:15. How am I going to go to sleep? I have so many things going through my head right now, it's not even funny. I'm so freaking frustrated. It seems like I can't ever do anything right! I blew up at Joe last night, one of my close guy friends tried to go down my pants while he thought I was sleeping last night (yeah, what a friend), my dad's gone to St. Louis with my little sis for her National American Miss Pageant along with two of her friends, and I'm home alone, which freaks me out because I live out in the middle of nowhere. I mean, I have nothing to do. But the thing that driving me insane is that Joe told Amber that he felt like he just lost his best friend. That's me. I didn't tell him that we were no longer friends. I told him how I felt about him and Amber going back out. This is the third time, and she's broken up with him twice, and I don't want him to get hurt again. I mean, I love Amber to death, but I don't like the way she treats him. It's fine in the beginning, but after a few months, she starts ingnoring him, then makes up excuses not to see him, and it kills me because he's one of my closest friends. Let me start from the beginning. Joe was my first love. That was freshman year. Almost two years ago. I still love him, but as a friend. I mean, there'll always be a place in my heart for Joe, so that could be why I'm so protective over him. Well, I found out recently that I may skip a grade in highschool because I have 17 credits, and you have to have 17-24 to be a senior...so they said that they're classifying me as a Senior. Well, I haven't talked to the counselors yet, so I don't know if I'm graduating early or what. But I told Joe that last night after is was done working (it was about 11:30 p.m.), and the look on his face immediately went from happy to depressed. I took him aside from everyone that was there and asked him what was wrong. He said that he doesn't want me to graduate early because I wouldn't be there for his Senior year, and that after this year, I'll just be gone, and I'll forget about him. I told him that if I weren't to graduate early, then he'd be leaving me after senior year. He's going off to the military to fly a plane and won't be back for a few years. "Do you know how that makes me feel Joe? Knowing that after senior year, my best friend is leaving and I won't see him for a few years, not even a letter because he'll be too busy?" "It's not going to be like that Casey." "Yes it is, Joe, that's how things always are in my life." Then the subject changed after that to him and Amber. I know him better than he knows himself, and I know how he's feeling right now. He doesn't realize right now that I'm right about this, but he will realize it sooner or later..hopefully sooner than later. I probably shouldn't have said anything...but I told him that he isn't acting on feelings that he has for her right now. He's acting on feelings that he used to have, but he thinks that he still has, which he doesn't. How would I know that, you might ask? Well, that's how Joe is. he doesn't want to be alone, so when he finds that someone likes him, he immediately starts liking them. If you knew who Joe was, then you would understand. But he walked away from me, and when he did that, tears immediately formed in my eyes, and I got into my car and left. When he walked away from me, it felt like what I had to say wasn't as important as Amber is to him. Something I didn't clarify earlier: when Joe gets a girlfriend, he ignores me to be with them. He stops calling and practically stops talking to me in order to put all of his energy towards his girlfriend. It kills me because he's been doing it to me for almost 4 years. That's why I get so worked up over all of his girlfriends. When that happens, I feel like I've lost MY best friend. But what I don't understand is how he feels like he's lost me? I mean, is it the whole highschool thing, or that he knows that I know the truth about how he feels and doesn't want to admit it? I know that seems harsh and I sound like a rude, crude bitch, but I'm sorry, I can't help it. Oh my gosh, it sounds like I'm still in love with him. Maybe I am, but maybe it's just that I feel so strongly about him. I mean, when he hurts, I hurt, when he's happy, I'm happy. No matter what happens I know that I'm screwed, because if they break up because of this, Amber will be mad at me, and if they don't, Joe will be mad at me. It's a lose-lose situation for me. That's how everything is for me. No matter what, I'm never doing anything to make someone happy. I live in a glass bowl that everyone is looking in on and judging every move I make. Well, that's enough depressing myself for one night, and making myself even more frustrated. Well, I'm out. Buhbye for now.
    Little Me,
    Be_Not_Be



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