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Be_Not_Be (k_ci_mac) wrote,
@ 2003-08-11 05:33:00
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    Current mood: confused
    Current music:Punk Rawk Show by MXPX

    Why does this always happen to me?
    Here I am again. It's 5:30 AM and I can't sleep. My dad's still out of town, so I'm having two of my friends spend the night. This morning I woke up at 10, took a 2 minute shower, and got to churc by about I was only 25 minutes late. Matt had called me at 9 to wake me up, like he always does, and I don't even remember talking to him...he said that I just talked and stuff and told him that I was going back to bed. It could be that I was so groggy from going to bed at 6:30, that I didn't remember. But was good for me. I felt really well after the service was over. The youth all went to St. Louis Bread (Panera Bread) for lunch and then we all went back to the pastor's house (his two daughter's are in youth) to chill until I had to leave to pick up to of my friends that were coming with me to youth that night. Well, we all started watching TV and it everyone fell asleep except for Shalyn and myself. Then I woke Matt up at about 4:20 so we could leave to go pick the people up. First we picked up Chris, and then we got Josh. We got back to the church and had a surprise birthday party for the youth leader, Missy. It was cool and everything. At first, Josh was kind of hesitant to talk to anyone but me because he's from Springfield and I was the only person he knew there. Then Jess started talking to him and so did everyone else, so he got used to the youth after a while. After youth, Jess, Chris, Josh, and I went over to my house to change and stuff, then we went to one of our friends neighborhood pool after it was closed (we jumped the fence) and went swimming. We left about 11 and I took Chris home and went back to my house with Jess and Josh. Well anyways...we ate and put part of my dad's 1000 some odd piece puzzle together then went upstairs to watch "Liar Liar." Well, I was so freaking tired by that time that I just fell asleep before it even got to the funny parts, probably because I only got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep. Well, I fell asleep about 2 or so, and then woke up at 4:15. I didn't exactly wake up on my own. I was kinda of woken up by Jess and Josh talking. You see, I have a fold out bed in my couch and all three of us were on that, but I hate that bed so I got on the ground in front of the bed and watched the movie. So I was right in front of Jess and Josh. Well, Josh used to be this big huge person on doing stuff with girls, but he says that he's changed and started going to church and all that good stuff. Well, I woke up to them saying, "That wasn't a real kiss." So I opened my eyes and looked at them in enough time to see them kissing. And I just sat there kind of shocked for a few seconds, then they both stopped and looked at me, and they knew that I had seen everything. So I just subtlely smacked myself in the head with a pillow to cover my face and tried to go back to sleep. I don't like Josh, it's just that he said that he had changed and stuff, and there he is kissing someone he's only known for a few hours. I mean, I've done the same thing, but it's different. I don't exactly know why, but it is. I mean, Jess has a boyfriend above all, and it would crush him if he found out that she kissed someone else. Jess said that it didn't mean anything, so I guess I'll trust her. But like I've said before, it's hard to trust people. I'm not mad at them, just shocked. I mean, I didn't expect that to happen because she has a boyfriend and he knows that, so yeah. But it's like, I feel sort of left out, I mean, every single time I have a guy friend come with me to meet my friends and stuff, one of them will always flirt with him and then he'll pay more attention to them than they do to me. And the whole point of us getting together was to hang out with each other, not with everyone but each other. I don't know how I feel, I mean, I guess I'm more confused than anything because I don't understand why this always happens to me. I'm left out of a lot of things, and I've never really ever been able to understand why. I mean, I'm just like your everyday average teenage girl. I'm not a prep, but I'm not lost in all my sorrows. I'm average, and that's fine with me. I have a lot of friends and I'm nice to everyone so in case I need them down the road, they'll be there for me and vice versa. I don't know, maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong point of view. I don't know. All I know is that everything is my fault. Don't know how and don't know why, but in everything I do, if something goes wrong, it's my fault. It always gets traced back to me, somehow. Oh, well, I'm fine with it. I'm used to getting blamed for everything. I can take it, though, and I guess that's why God made me that way. Because people will be attracted to that in me, knowing that no matter how much life screws me over, that I'll overcome it because I'm strong like that, and then maybe that could get them to know Jesus. It's a risk I'm willing to take. But oh well. I guess I'm going to go now.
    Little Me

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