| Current mood: | crushed |
| Current music: | Third eye blind (I can't stop) |
Did you know that MSN sucks?
I wonder if a clock feels the way that I do. Always going over the same faces, always seeing the same places, always doing the same exact thing. Every second of every day. Then inner workings constantly supporting each other just to keep going. Keep going for everyone else. And, you've got to wonder how a clock must feel when you say you didn't see it. When you move your eyes across it, only to read another one. One my be more beautiful than the other, but they all serve the same purpose... right?
I remember when Grampa Doc died. We all packed up and drove to Texas for the funeral. My Granny was so alive then, so beautiful. Benji, her toothless Chihuahua, would sit next to her bright red chair as she cried and attack you if you came too close. She collected clocks then, and watches too. They covered the walls. Dogs, cats, birds, flowers... they all had their own. Every one (if they made noise) was set just a minute off each other so you that you could hear each one individually, at the hour. It was all enough to keep you up at night. I remember the very day she moved in with my grandparents. The day we had to give Benji away. The day they got her a new dog. I remember her golden tennis shoes in her tiny little room with bowls full of candy she wasn't supposed to eat. I remember sitting with her at the kitchen table one morning, alone, waiting on my grandparents to wake up. She told me how I acted just like my grandmother did when she was my age. She promised me that she would get better soon, and we'd be able to run around and play like we used to. I remember how she used to give me jewelry and ask for it back a week or so later. It was always okay, though, because she'd always give me something else the next time that I saw her. I remember how her mostly make-upless face always had pink chapstick that would leave sticky rings on my cheeks when she kissed me. I remember her angels, her bears, her bears dressed as angels. I remember the first day she fell... I remember the day they decided to put her in the nursing home. The last time I saw her, she kept calling me Becky. The last time I saw her, she couldn't walk at all. The last time I saw her, it may be the last time I will ever see her. My Granny's dying, and I don't know how to go about it.
I'm so scared to see her. I hate lifeless bodies, I hate having to miss someone when they are so close. My parents went to see her today. I used Dedra as an excuse to stay home. They said she's hard to keep awake and she's not really recognizing anyone. I don't know if I can handle seeing her for the last time if I know that it's going to be the last time. I don't know if I can handle seeing her if she's not going to kiss me with her pink chapstick and call me "My Dena".
Dedra stayed the night last night. She's loud and obnoxious and I love her so. I spent my last five dollars on paint and gift wrap for a project we decided to do. It's not done yet, and I'm pretty sure I"m going to finish it on my own, but it's fun. We had a paint fight, and it wasnt' pretty. Or maybe it was. We blamed it on "artistic differences," but I think it's just because we're dorks. We tried to sleep in my bed together but we both woke up about an hour into it and I was trying to sling my leg across her stomach, trying to hook myself so I wouldn't fall off... I got up and went to the couch.
Christina and Dedra are driving me crazy. I love them both so much, but ever since they got in that fight a few months ago they're just not the same. I miss being able to hang out with both of them at the same time and not have to hear one of them whisper bad things about the other. I hate being in the middle (like I always am). Although, I'm leaning abit towards Dedra. Christina's changed so much over the past few months. She thinks she can get away with everything and she thinks I'll help her every time. I'm tired of her risking my neck so that she can have a little fun. We all went to the movies today and I kept trying to sit with Richard because I was sick of listening to them fight. I pretty much did hang around Richard most of the time that we were out. We ate sugar cubes and played video games in the lobby at themovie theater while Dedra and Chris stood in line for drinks( to cover up the fact that they had cans of coke and packages of cheap candy in their purses.)
Things that have been said about me lately that I dont' particularly enjoy:
"you know, she's a lot like Dena... she'll do anything just to fit in" -Jenna
She said it just to get under my skin, but I can't help but feel that she thinks it's true. And I hate it, because she's talking about herself. Also, she keeps ditching me for Amanda and it's pissing me off.
"You let your fear paralyze you into doing nothing at all" - my dad
Maybe it's true... But I still hate it.
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