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Juntara (juntara) wrote,
@ 2007-05-24 13:39:00
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    Current mood: okay

    Good day, so far
    Finally I got some sleep last night. Huzzah for sleeping pills. Woke up at a reasonable time this morning, half cleaned my kitchen, and actually cooked something, a breakfast burrito. That's a huge feat for the morning. ;) I used Lady J's horseradish mustard, a yummy new recipe I discovered at the Faire in the Grove event last April. God, I love that mustard. The Golde Lemon, the folks who make the mustard, were at my first "event" ever, the Clackamas county faire (with a medieval theme) back in... gosh... 94'?
    Ugh, I am old.
    I fell in love with the mustard and have been buying it up ever since. Just wish they had a website, and I didn't have to wait for summer to get more.

    So things are OK so far today. I had a god-awful migraine for the last two days, and my mouth has been sore from some major dental work I had Tuesday. No dental insurance for several years and an addiction to cough drops equals bad cavity growth. My mouth feels like I'm a porn star who specializes in oral. Ugh.

    Still a bit depressed, but it's manageable. I have to believe Sam's spirit is out there somewhere, happy, at peace. I suppose it is natural to have religious doubts when someone dies. The weirdest thing is, I want to visit his grave, leave something. It's a primitive urge, a loss I feel that he's been cremated, his body rests nowhere. There is a terrible lack of closure. It's funny (odd) because I have always been violently against burial. I think it is a horrible waste of land, and that pumping a body full of preservatives such as formaldehyde is a terrible sin. I have never wanted to be buried- I'm all for donating as many organs as can be used, then burning, and then having my ashes spread. Although it would be perfect to have the ashes baked into food or mixed into tea so my friends and family can ingest me and I can be part of them- but alas, that smacks of cannibalism and most folks find it disgusting, hence the compromise. That's a discussion for another time. Anyway, being so horrified at the thought of burial, I am somewhat confused by my desire to have a place to visit. Like I said, I guess it is some primitive urge, some fundamental confusion over the process of death. Like my primitive mind just can't get it. Maybe it is due to the fact that I was never able to see the body, and so will always lack closure. Meh. One thing that defined my relationship with him, a lack of closure.
    I have been feeling terribly, horribly angry. At him, at the world, at me. I know it is a natural part of the grief process, and perhaps shows I am progressing, but I still feel heavy with guilt. I miss him. Life goes on.
    I've joined were list, a site that is designed for fellow therians. I hope to find some new friendships. I have few truly close people in my life; most of the people I know are too "normal" for me to open up to. That, and being a student at a private university, I am surrounded by children. Well, 18-20 year olds seem like little kids to me. I want to know people my own age, at somewhat of the same place as I am. Most of the people I know in my age group are married and are having, or have had, kids. I want children- someday. I am nowhere near ready right now, but then I worry I'll be too old to have children in a healthy, un-medically assisted manner when I AM ready. Meh.

    Well, that's it, for now. I'm hoping to keep posting on a frequent basis now that I won't feel guilty for not doing school work by playing on the computer.

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