|Current mood:|| excited|
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to war I go
Oh, I am so excited. I'm going to An Tir/West war! It'll be my first event in some 3-odd years, and I am unbelievably joyous and nervous with anticipation! I've missed tourneying; however, it was necessary. Life went to hell there for a bit, and I've only recently been able to start crawling my way back to the surface again. I am amazed at the change. I'm actually happy to get up in the mornings. I am looking forward to the future. I finally feel like I am moving forward in life, instead of just stagnating. Everything is going so well for me, and I don't have the old inexplicable sense of doom, like it will all go to hell again. I'm happier than I have been in a very long time, and I know it's here to stay. It's not my weird mania, either, where I am jumpy and bubbly and talking a mile a minute before I burn out. It's a nice, happy, content, a peace with the world and my place in it. I couldn't have gone tourneying before this. The last few years, I was increasingly melancholy at events, unable to find the old joy in attending. I had to take a break, not only to get my life together, but also to keep from destroying the relationships I had built in the SCA. I'm ready now, though, to go back. My expectations are not going to be dashed- I only want to have fun and hang out with friends.
House Hunter has changed so much since I've been away. Last December, I began to take tentative steps in getting involved with the house again. Brian and Tandi were expecting another child, and their first girl was 2. (side note, god, I feel old- I performed their wedding, and here's this adorable two-year old that has been born and grown in the time I was gone); Ian and Tera had faced marital difficulties and had come through strong after coming close to divorce, DJ and Jessie broke up and each have new SO's, Troy has a girlfriend, and there are a lot- A LOT of new people I had never met before. Tobin wasn't there, and the gang had lost touch. A couple of others were conspicuously absent, as well. I remember the most recent incarnation of the house forming(I believe this is either Hunter 2.0 or 3.0), I remember the core group. I remember the days of crashing every weekend at the apartment shared by Ian, Troy, and James (later, Brian). Tobin would be there too- and I remember the breaking of hunter from the Frozen Sun. I remember being adopted as a Hunter by Ian- the first person to be adopted into the house, which wasn't even this incarnation yet. I cherish the Epona broach Ian gifted me with as an adoption present. I remember my troubles with Brian, as good an old boy as ever there was. Born and raised in Colton, a tobacco chewing, truck driving, stick-jock of a stereotype. I was surrounded by men- and though it was nice and I had some of the best times of my life with the guys, as Brian became a more and more frequent visitor to the house, we constantly clashed wills. Brian didn't have the most... advanced attitude towards women. I'm trying to say it nice. I felt I had to meet his attitude with an anti-male attitude of my own, and the fights we would have were near explosive. However, we came to respect one another, and see each other's points of view. I always felt a special friendship with Brian (for some reason, I make best friends with Aquarians, and count the majority of my close friends in that sign- Jason, Sabrina, Aaron, Brian are all close and outnumber any other sign in my life) Brian was the first to name me the house's little sister, the first to truly accept me as one of the guys- going so far as to tease me mercifully after a rather loud nighttime encounter at an event. I remember how I was Brian's "consort" for a season- though it was more like a brother-sister relationship. He needed someone to fight for, and he felt that I deserved to have someone fight for me. I let that protection go with a smile on my face as Brian met and fell in love with Tandi. Never before had I seen anything more romantic then Brian writing Tandi's name on the back of his shield, so she would always inspire him. With tears in my eyes I performed their wedding, knowing that these two were made for each other. I had watched Brian grow and bloom into an amazing, loving, kind person during his courtship with Tandi. They are my standard: If I ever get married, I hope it will be like it is with them.
Ian, I adore, although I feel like somewhere along the line we lost our close bond. When I crashed with the guys, I would spend Monday with Ian- I had the time off and everyone else was working. He made me welcome after I had broken up with James- I met the guys while dating James, and found I liked his friends better then him. After it ended, Ian let me know I was still welcome to visit them. All the things we talked about, all the closeness we built was somehow lost, but when I try to ask Ian about it, he waves me away. I worry that the bond from his end was not the sibling relationship I saw it as, that instead, he had a crush on me and pulled away when he realized I didn't return the feeling. I would think that theory was me being full of myself, except I remember Brian telling me once, "You know, all the guys have been in love with you at one time or another." I'll never know, and all I can do is remain available as a friend to Ian, hope to reclaim our friendship, and prey I can repay the unbelievable love and support he has shown me through the years. He stood up for me, defended me, when others didn't want to get involved in a dispute between friends. Back when I began hanging with the guys, they were a part of the house of The Frozen Sun, of which Tobin was head. Tobin and I have had our own issues, our own love/hate relationship, and I'll speak of that later. However, I was an associate member. I hung with the guys, camped with the guys, contributed to the house for years, and yet was not made a member. I was given an honorary membership into Darrin and Anna's house Argent Flame, who were friends of Frozen Sun. After just one season, a guy who had begun camping with us was given a membership. I was hurt, unbelievably hurt. Like a kick in the stomach it was. But I bit my tongue. I was happy being friends with the house, happy camping with them, I did not feel right demanding a membership. Besides, I have assertiveness issues. Ian was the only one to see the pain this caused, and was the only one to stick up for me, and doing so got Troy and Brian to stand with him. I was steadfast that they not get in between this; I did not want to force anyone to choose between me and Tobin. After all, I was the new one, the interloper, and Tobin had more of a right to their friendship than I. They did not listen. I would not be so egotistical to say that the break was caused by this- instead, I think troubles had been brewing for some time and my treatment was the straw that broke the camel's back. Ian had adopted me as a Hunter while this mess was going on, defiantly claiming that I was worth it. Shortly after, House Hunter re-formed, with Ian as head. Then, it mushroomed. Grew huge, gained notoriety due to it's stellar members who were involved with the Royalty. The rift between Frozen Sun and Hunter healed, and I could finally breath a sigh of relief. Not long after that formation, I had to remove myself from Hunter, for my own, non-SCA related personal reasons. Before that, however, I was overjoyed to see Ian find and marry Tera, a relationship that still continues strong despite it's difficulties. I miss Ian. I'll always morn that loss of closeness, that absence of the strong friendship we once shared. even though we see each other still, it's not the same. Like I said, however, I will be available should he desire to start the friendship again, regain the place in my life as closest big brother.
Troy, is just nifty. A more freaky, hilarious, loving, kind person you will never meet. Troy-boy just makes me laugh. He makes me want to protect him, even though he is strong and able on his own. He's a cuddler, like me, and some of my most content memories are from cuddling up with him. He's a freak, and I was always able to empathize with him over the weirdest things. Troy shares that essential quality of weirdness I have that most people don't get. He was one of my few friends mutually obsessed with Buffy TVS. He talked me into going to Karaoke one night, on the promise that after the first song, I could pick anything for him to sing. His first song was an old popular one that had a derivative of my name in it. I chose for him to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman". He sung both with gusto and a smile. Troy was one of the few members of the group to make an effort to hang with me outside of the house, go to non SCA related events. We hit a few concerts, and though live music isn't much my thing, the few we went to were fun. We went to one of Portland's annual pirate band events- where bands like Captain Bogg and Salty and Pirate Jenny play(and mind you, all this was going on before Pirates of the Caribbean, thank you. Granted, pirate stuff has been blooming since the flick, but there were huge pirate movements in Portland and the SCA long before this. We even had several pirate households who brought 20'-30' masts and used to bring cannons- but the cannons have since been outlawed. Anyway, as always, I digress). We had no "pirate" gear, and so we dressed nice- Troy in high Elizabethan and me in Tudor. We were teased mercilessly by the patrons and the bands, but still managed to have fun. Troy was known as "The Fop" in the house. He was our only late period, non Scottish member. I think we explained that as a shipwreck that sent the Spaniard to a Celtic shore. He had an impossibly long name- all I can remember is it's hard to remember. I made my very first set of fitted Elizabethan garb for him- and it turned out pretty nicely. It was absolutely gorgeous- navy blue tapestry fabric for the body of the doublet and as strips of cloth in the breeches and sleeves. In the breeches and sleeves, under the blue, was a bright yellow satin. The doublet was finished with beautiful gold buttons and the breeches had a codpiece. The guys in the house joked about putting a squeaky toy in the codpiece; so I bought one and sewed it in. All you had to do was squeeze that codpiece and it would squeak like a frightened mouse. Troy loved it. Troy is a Cancer, and it shows. I did his chart and it's Cancer Sun, Leo Moon, Cancer Mercury, Leo Venus, Cancer Mars and Leo Ascendant. Rather wonkey and interesting, and explains his natural flair for drama. His parents loved me- when he was dating a "friend" of mine (who turned out to be a nasty-nasty bitch), his folks kept telling him to date me. Heh. I love it when parents love me. Troy went back to school before I took my break from the SCA, hit that same desire to better himself that I am feeling now. Makes sense, as for a long time, I was the baby of the group. Troy, I gather, dropped out of the SCA about the same time I did, to focus more on work, school, and music- he's now in a band. I saw him at the Christmas party with his new girlfriend. They seem happy together- she's properly punk. It was a bit bittersweet for me. I suppose I always hoped Troy and I could have made a go for it someday. I know we couldn't- he's too nice for me; I couldn't stand the thought of hurting him, and it would piss me off eventually, having to walk on eggshells around him. He's such a great guy, though, one of the few people I've met where I have sighed and thought to myself, "If only this were a perfect world." Still, I am happy he's got a girl. For a long time, it was my mission to find Troy a girlfriend- he is such a warm and loving human being, I wanted to find someone perfect for him. I like his girlfriend, though, she's adorable. I hope things work out. Troy deserves a loving, happy home with lots of fat babies.
Tobin. What can I say about Tobin? All the guys who were close, Ian, Brian, Troy, they each had aspects of their personalities that I understood, that understood me. If you could have blended them all into one, throwing in a few other guys I look up to and respect, I'd have the perfect man, someone who understood me, and I understood perfectly. Tobin fit into that mixture, but what he represented were all of the darker elements of my soul, he reflected that part of me that I sometimes fear. For a long time I was convinced I was in love with Tobin- however, much intense soul searching helped me see that for what it really was. I have a darkness in me, a frightening, unforgiving mass that loves pain- myself or other's. It's different, very different from what most people have inside them, from what most people consider their darkness. There is that part of me that is a sadist. That part that craves abducting someone and torturing them to death, just to experiment with the mind and the physical limits of the body. The darkness within that has figured out how to go about killing someone and hiding-or destroying- the body so well I'll never get caught. Oh, this will never happen. I have a firm control of myself. Say whatever you want for people with BPD having poor impulse controls- if I didn't have a great deal of control, this world would be a lot worse for some people. This darkness within, I have only started to come to terms with. When I was crushing on Tobin, I wasn't really aware of it. I have since learned that what I am looking in for a companion is not necessarily a reflection of me, but someone who shares the same whacked aspects so they can understand me. The darkness- it's rare, but those of us with it can see it in others. Tobin was the first person I'd ever met who had it. He was the first person I'd met that I felt was strong enough to withstand my occasional cruel streaks, who would actually fight me and not worry about hurting me. He was uber dominant, and I got the feeling he'd enjoy fighting for dominance with someone who had a backbone, who wouldn't let him win- just like I did. And granted, all this was under the surface. Maybe I misread, but I doubt it. But he had that, and I was drawn to it. We were pretty good friends most of the time, though occasionally, should one of us do something the other didn't like, we would blow it out of proportion and hate each other. I should be glad Tobin was able to keep his honor and not get involved with me- he didn't want a relationship and knew I would get hurt with anything else (hell, knew me better than myself) and so prevented anything from happening. I'll never understand why we were friends. That man could infuriate me at times, and I would look at him and think, "Oh, God, if I stay on the path I'm on now, I'll end up just like him. Jaded, alone, unpleasant." Yet when crashing at the guy's house, we'd share a couch. We had no problem sleeping next to each other, in a bed or on the floor, cuddling and not having anything "physical" happen. He'd help me out of my tent when I got overly drunk at an event, walk me to the bathroom, and then tuck me back in. He'd challenge me to a Tablero game, and we'd have fun playing with 40's. He was an alcoholic, but a functioning alcoholic. His personality did not change when he drank, he rarely passed out. I didn't feel like I had to help him out of that, I didn't feel like I couldn't drink around him so as not to encourage him to drink more. Tobin and I shared a love of beer and cigarettes, deep conversation, and that darkness within that we never referred to. We'd be driving somewhere, his car behind me, and I'd be stopped at a light with my foot off the break. Suddenly, I'd realize I was slowly creeping forward- Tobin had gently brought his car forward and was nudging mine, laughing his ass off. Every time I saw Tobin, he'd say like ritual: "Hey! Can I see your breasts?" I'd laugh and say no. Some time ago, before I took my break, he stopped asking that, forgot the ritual, and I miss it. Even though we have had blowouts, even though because I'm a woman, he would sometimes dump the blame for every woman he has ever known who would hurt someone on my lap, even though he occasionally thought of me as below him, there is still one thing I will always remember Tobin for. He shared my darkness. That's why I thought I loved him- I didn't, I was just drawn to someone I thought could understand me, wouldn't judge me, wouldn't be afraid of me. I also realized we had something to finish. In some past life, our souls had met and started something- don't ask me what- up and never finished it. I'll miss him, miss that check, that constant reminder of why I should be on my best behavior. He's found someone, at least last I heard. The king of solitude, poster child for the lonely, found a gal and has been dating steadily. I haven't seen him in the relationship, haven't seen how it's affected him, but I hope it's for the better, hope that she helps him the way Tandi helped Brian, helps him mellow and be happy. I realized a long time ago that whatever it is we were supposed to finish, that the opportunity passed years ago and will not happen again this time around. That just leaves me a bit pissed- one more thing I have to do the next time around, but it's livable. I'm glad he's been able to start bringing himself out of the funk he was in since I met him; I only hope it will continue, and wish I could see for myself the effects.
These are the guys, people I've spent a great deal of time with, people who have seemed to accept me and like me for me. I miss the old days, and even though I understand times move on, people change, and life is a constantly shifting experience you must adapt to, there are times when I wish with all my heart for just one of those old days. I have a hard time with change, but I need to work on that. I can find joy in being with my friends and sharing the good and bad that comes with their new lives, even if their priorities are different. I'm looking forward to this event and reconnecting with some of my friends, the friends I miss deeply. I feel a little left out, lonely- everyone is dating or married, having babies. Well, I suppose that if it could happen for Tobin, it could happen for me, right? I'm not too old at the grand age of 28?