|Current mood:|| pissed off|
Random offensive shit
OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I suppose this is what happens when I allow myself to get sucked into drama. Bloody Saturn return. How is it everyone’s life is falling apart, and when I try to help my friends, I get accused of wacky shit? BLEH! So this whole Aaron separation is going along, I am helping as best I can. I chat with him online, I am offering to spend time with him, offering a couch for him to crash on when he needs to get out of the house. While I spent a week being grumpy and angry at his spouse, I have cooled off on that. I know she isn’t a villain. I know that I am only hearing one side of the story. I did the supportive friend thing, which of course you are supposed to do. It’s silly, it’s ridiculous, but that’s what friends do, right? After things cool down, you start to be more reasonable. I want Aaron to get better, I want him to be happy. I want him to be able to make the right decisions in his life, so that he won’t cycle into self-destructive shit. Hell, -I- can understand that, and how hard it is to get out of. I’ve been through this shit, maybe not a marital separation with kids involved, but I have suffered a separation of the heart that still hurts me to this day. I let myself get into negative, extremely self-destructive patterns. So I can offer a little insight, I hope. If I can be there to help someone through something which is extremely painful and confusing, then maybe a good friend won’t have to go through all the crap I did. I try to help, and now I am being called Aaron’s lover. At first I was a wee bit shocked. I figured that it was just due to jealousy, pain, bad feelings caused by the impending separation. Now, it is starting to get a wee bit annoying. I’m not outraged for Aaron’s sake. He can set his spouse straight or not; that is his business and between him and his wife. No, I am outraged because yet again, a very serious vow I have taken is being undermined, ignored, and seen as something silly and impossible in today’s world. Yes, I am talking about my vow of celibacy. This was a very serious decision I made, and one I did not come to lightly. There were many, many reasons why I chose this. I had gotten into an extremely powerful relationship when I was young. I don’t think a lot of people could understand it, because a lot of people never have a relationship like that. Sam was a piece of me. Not just a soulmate, a word which has been bandied about in popular culture and has lost all meaning. No, here is a man that was once, eons ago, a part of me. We keep meeting in life after life, drawn together like two magnets. I have come to accept the fact that this is not a life where we were meant to be together. Still, when I first saw him, it was more than love at first sight, it was recognition. I had dreamed of this man for a lifetime before I met him. For a full year before we met, I was driving my friends crazy with my excited declarations that I’d get to meet him soon. I described him to a tee: Tall, flaming red hair, big brown eyes, and a nifty personality, to boot. We met, and were drawn to one another. He felt the same as I did: I knew this because I could feel what he was feeling, and he could feel me. We first touched and it was like electricity. I felt complete peace. It hurt to not be touching him. Even if we were in the same room, if our skin was not in contact, I felt physical pain. In his arms, I was at peace. Content. Happy, truly happy, for the first time in my life. I hope someday to be able to feel that kind of connection with someone again, in fact, demand it. I suppose I was spoiled. Having understood what passion really is, I can not accept any sort of pale imitation and would prefer to remain unattached. However, for all the good, all of the highs we felt, there were also extreme lows. I had my psychological shit to work through, and he had his. To make matters worse, I could only watch helplessly as he turned into an alcoholic. It ended, and ended badly. Still, though, I feel him. All the shit I have gone through, and I know that if we came face to face and touched hands, again I would feel that peace. It took me years, but I was able to accept and manage that pain I feel, like I accept my migraines. People hear this and discount it. “Poo! She’s just unusually hung up, she just can’t get over an old relationship.” People just don’t get it, and I am sick of trying to explain. Let me say this, however: after several months of feeling intense internal pain and finding him drifting again into my dreams, after fearing he was dead, he called me. Tracked me down and called me. He’d had a bad year. Drugs, prison, testicular cancer that resulted in castration. Somehow, I knew that was coming. See? We had a connection, and will in more lifetimes to come. After we broke up, after it all went to hell, I died inside. I decided I no longer believed in love, and I was going to say to hell with the whole idea. I wasn’t going to hurt again, and I was going to do all the things I had never done before. I threw myself into relationship after relationship, though none of these could really be considered relationships. I’d meet someone, have sex with them (usually within the week) and would keep having sex with them until things just sort of fizzled out. I let this reinforce my whole “love sucks” idea. I look back at this period of my life with embarrassment and regret. I hurt people, I made so many mistakes, I cut of my nose to spite my face. Hell, as my last “lover” said, I had turned into every stereotypical male asshole women bitch about. That was Rick, the one I regret the most. All the other guys were at least able to handle themselves. They understood what they were getting into. I never lied, and though I was always up front with Rick, he fell in love with me anyway. My callous treatment of him bothered me deeply. I hated myself. I couldn’t understand what I had become. I had set out to become a bigger asshole than Sam and I succeeded. I turned that rage inward and began to cut. At about this time, I went to the woods alone for ten days. I spent the time in deep introspection and figured out what exactly was wrong with my life, what behavior I had that I wanted to change. I realized that so many of my problems were due to sex, and sex-related things. I sat back and realized I needed to make a drastic change. I decided I would take a break from sex until I could figure things out. There came a peace to me, not a perfect peace, but I was happy with my decision. Later, I decided I would keep with the no sex, no dating rule until I could figure out what exactly I wanted in a significant other, what I would and would not accept. Several years later, I figured it all out but wasn’t ready to date again. Yes, I hated being alone, I missed the closeness. But I was so terrified of falling back into old patterns, I made the decision to cement this vow in stone. I took a geise. For those who may not be familiar with this concept, it is a Celtic sacred honor vow. Sacred. S-A-C-R-E-D. To break a geise is to be forsaken before the gods, and YOU DO NOT BREAK GEISE. Even unintentionally, even unwillingly. Take a geise to never eat meat, and if someone maliciously slips meat product into your food, you are forsaken. It is never something to do lightly. My geise is that I will not have sex with anyone unless I have dated them for months, I am in love with them and know that they love me, and I have a reasonable belief that the relationship will be long term, if not permanent. Once I was ready to date again, this geise went into effect. I have been celibate by choice for seven years, and this brings me fierce pride. It has not been easy. I am a sexual being, and I have had many temptations. But I have kept this geise, and will continue to do so until my criteria is fulfilled. That does not mean I will not cuddle with people, or even sleep in the same bed. I like to touch and be touched in a non-sexual way, the way a puppy loves to be skritched and held. There is nothing sexual about that, and I value those individuals who are able to hold and be held and not expect me to drop my pants. I have informed friends of this, I have told them my reasons and my decision to remain celibate. Yet time and time again, my vow is spit upon. When I cuddle with someone, there are nudges and winks, smart-ass comments and innuendoes. When I remind these people of my geise, I am met with a blank stare. How can it be possible that someone would self-impose celibacy on themselves? Especially a Pagan? I think they assume I say this to save face; I am not that attractive and understand that. They feel I should “stop being so picky” when someone I can not see myself forming a relationship with falls head over heels over me. I don’t know why this happens; like I said, I am not that attractive. It has to be the “unattainable” vibe I give off. Whatever, it’s like my friends think I am just waiting for someone to like me and should fall into their arms. For christsake, I am not but-ugly, I am not disgusting. I have enough self-esteem to be offended by this. Then, there are the ones who flat-out forget I told them this. Like it is sooooo unimportant it can be immediately forgotten. Ignored. Demeaned. This is demeaning to me, to my vow, to my faith. I AM SICK OF IT. I remember, I clearly remember telling Autumn I was under geise. Hell, Aaron, too, but you know, I am used to people “forgetting”. It just irks me that now I am being called Aaron’s lover. My vow is conveniently ignored in the jealousy and hurt feelings that fly between a couple, one member of which I am trying to help in ways I was never helped. I suppose I shouldn’t let the drama get to me. What the hell is it with live Journals? This is all way to Jerry Springer to me. I know, I’m a hypocrite, I am doing it too, I might as well go on the show and show my tits. I’m no better because now, I have one, too. But I have to say something. I can’t sit here, impotent in my anger, allowing this to build inside me and cause negativity. I have to let it out. My only consolation is that if I don’t advertise the damn thing, no one I know will ever read this. I’ll have a safe place to vent silly, stupid frustrations without having to worry about who I am offending. I know how to be better, I know how to make this not affect me. That involves screaming, yelling, getting the poison out so I don’t feel it anymore. I do feel better after this. I do understand that this is a small, insignificant thing when compared to a marriage breaking up. Still, I will contribute to the post Jerry Springer era by posting this. Hell, is this even psychologically sound? That would make a good research project. Well. If Aaron takes a lover, that’s no business of mine, though I hope he’ll take some time off to clear his thoughts and not go barreling into some complicated thing. I should ask him, has he told Autumn we aren’t sleeping together? Has he told her we are friends, friends who have seen each other through a lot though we have spent years out of touch? Has he told her how cold and alone he feels, that being with a friend who is willing to give you non-sexual human contact can be a catharsis? Or, is he letting her believe what she will as part of the behavior which is all too common when ending a relationship? Hell, I’ve been pretty petty myself, I shouldn’t be surprised. I wouldn’t get involved in this, except it offends me deeply. I understand the pain and the reactions this can cause. I wouldn’t blame Aaron. Like I said, I’ve done far, far worse. I get that maybe in the pain of the breakup, some silly little quirk of a miscellaneous person gets lost. But should they reconcile, should they become friends again, I don’t want Autumn to hate me. I don’t want her to think of me as the “other woman”. That’s something I would never do. Never, never would I get involved with someone who is still in the process of breaking up with someone else. I am not that kind of person. To think my presence, my friendship is causing these two more pain rips at my heart, and makes me want to pull back from Aaron. I hate getting involved in drama between people. I know I can’t back off because Aaron needs his friends now. Just as Autumn needs hers. God, I hope they work this out. And I really, really hope I don’t cause more problems just by being a bloody friend.