Paranoia, paranoia, everyone's comin' to get you...
It’s kind of sad to see people who were once famous desperately trying to become popular again. “Hit Me Baby One More Time” is like a train wreck. I feel terrible for most of these people. Well, not Vanilla Ice. Here is a man who got famous by ripping off a Queen song. He’s not even good. He probably thinks of himself as “the man who paved the way for M n’ M”. Sorry. No. You just suck. The man can’t rap and he’s been doing everything to get back in the limelight, not even aware of what an ass he’s making of himself. He was on The Surreal life, for christsakes! Bah. Well, i suppose we can all be blind when looking at ourselves.
Oh, for crying out loud, he just won. In what reality is he better than Tommy Two Tone?
I’ve only started to come to terms with being a freak recently. I get it, that it is something to be proud of. I don’t like most people and I should be glad I’m not like them. It wouldn’t be so bad, except i way excel in the freakiness factor. Sometimes I wish I could just take off and live in the woods for the rest of my life, so I can just be me and not fear the reactions of people I really don’t care about. Of course, that’s just a part of me. I have so many different voices in my head, so many distinct personalities that it drives me crazy, the contradictions I feel. According to the DSM IV, I don’t have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), once known as MPD. The only reason that doesn't fit is because I don’t black out. I should be diagnosed with DID not otherwise specified, because of that. Hrm. i -used- to black out, and I still disassociate in extreme situations. Yet, because one of my personalities happens to be a therapist, and I have what i call the system administrator who is responsible for making a smooth transition from one person to the next AND recalling their memories when needed, I don’t qualify. I went to a psychiatrist- an HMO psychiatrist, mind you- who spoke to me for 10 minutes before diagnosing me with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Granted, it fits a bit:
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships,
self-image, and affects, and marked impulsively beginning by early
adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five
(or more) of the following:
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior
covered in Criterion 5.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-
image or sense of self
3. impulsively in at least two areas that are potentially self-
damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless
driving, binge eating).
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
4. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-
5. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g.,
intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually
lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
6. chronic feelings of emptiness
7. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g.,
frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent
8. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative
OK, I can understand that. Yeah, my biggest fear is being abandoned, all the other stuff has merit. I get that. But I don’t think the human mind can be explained in a nice, easy little paragraph. That’s one of the things i don’t like about the DSM IV. People all have aspects like this. Sure I am terrified of being abandoned, but I have worked to overcome this, and have found peace being alone. Yeah, my relationships can be a bit chaotic, but I am now careful of who I call friends, and I took a break from the whole sex and dating thing. Yes, I alternate between seeing myself as pretty Ok and the worst person in the world. Ok, I impulsively spend money sometimes, I used to be very impulsive with sex (though I think the celibacy thing has taken care of that), and I did have this passive-agressive suicidal not wearing a seat belt while driving thing. Yes, I’ve cut, and tried suicide. For heavens sake, I have genetic depression, and after taking Paxil for a while (I’m off now), I can manage that OK. Yeah, my moods can be unstable, up and down, I often feel like I have a black hole inside. I don’t have an issue with anger. I suppose I can be paranoid(but just because I’m paranoid doesn't mean people AREN’T out to get me), and they stick the disassociation in there, sounds like me pat. But a lot of this stuff can be attributed to other things. Hell, according to the DSM IV, I should have DID not otherwise specified, chronic depression, mild manic depression, schizophrenia, shit, a whole lot of other things. I don’t think people can be lumped together like that. Hell, the human mind is still the one part of the body we don’t understand. I am not defined by my illness. Even if it is an illness. “Personality disorder” suggests there is something wrong with me, and I happen to think I function reasonably well. There is even a debate as to whether this is caused by birth, life events, or both. I just like to look at it as everyone has difficulties, obstacles. the harder the obstacles, the stronger, the more capable, the -better- the person. I’ve taken in stride events that would make weaker folk run screaming. Hrmph. I may be nuts, but I’m not crazy.
Boy, this conversation went in a whole different direction than I intended. I was hoping to talk about the wolf. I'll get to that another day, I suppose.