| Current mood: |  lonely |
| Current music: | Burn -- Three Days Grace |
fuck you
one of these days.......
today was alright.
i clinged to erics leg this morning.
fun.
biology was gay.
lit was ok. one of the assignments that we did forever ago got passed back today. i got a perfect score even tho my grammer sucked like shit. heh. mrs sanford liked it so much that she read it to the class. nice. not. i kinda wanted it to be a more private thing. oh well. not like anyone in that class likes me anyways.
lunch sucked.
band sucked. the only good thing is that taylor was actually nice to me. weird, neh?
spanish sucked.
anthro was great.
that period between 6th and 7th was awesome.
math sucked.
came home.
talked to shawn a little bit on the bus.
came home.
showered.
fuck you.
i was in a great mood.
taylor and i actually had a conversation that didn't involve ripping someone's head off.
things are getting really damn freaky.
i just got off the phone with eric.
hes too fucking moody. he needs to grow up. i'm sry, but he does.
i mean, so what if i like someone else. can you blame me. i mean, god. a girls got to move on with her life.
taylor does NOT like me, eric. you know it, i know it, everyone knows it. so shut up.
one of these days...
its all going to end for me.
i cant wait.
i want it to end.
i don't want to live.
goddamnit.
i hate it all.
all of it.
i just want to tell someone everything that i feel. but.....i just can't. the closest i've ever gotten to doing so was with bianka, but just as i'm about to do it, i chicken out. i hate myself. i can't even tell someone how i really truly feel on the inside. i think i'm going to write a blurty entry on how i really feel, and keep it private. the only problem with that is that eric knows the password to this thing so he could read it. i think i'll put it up on another journal that like, no one knows about. awesome. go me. watch it backfire, as it always does.
GODDAMNIT.
i feel bad that my day was pretty good when mike is like, dying.
goddamnit all.
i went ot this forum thingey and read tons of entries about whether or not there is a god or not. its a fifty fifty chance. there is either a god, or there isn't a god.
i dont worry about hell, b/c, well, i cant explain, but i will in that entry......
man, i want to cry so badly. but.....i cant. its awful. you think its terrible when you cry, you don't want to cry anymore. you want the tears to stop. and then when they finally do, you miss them more than anything in the world. its a terrible feeling, and i wish i knew someone else who felt it. then i could relate to them. hell, i prolly do. but its just not.....i dont know. i'll admit this to the lack of people who care to read this, but, i love crying. its the best feeling in the world. nah, forget it, i wont go on from there. it'll only lead to a rant that i dont want anyone to hear, not because its personal, but because i know that they wont care, so i might as well keep it to myself in hopes that i'll find someone who will care one day, instead of going ahead and telling someone who i know won't care. its terrible.
i want to cry now.
but i can't.
my heart........feels like its falling in a bottomless pit, and the only thing that would give it a parachute to float gently down would be a nice long sob.
you know, i havent cried in so long.
not a real cry at least. i mean, i cried when i heard of mike's illness, but thats it. and it was a forced cry. i mean, don't get me wrong, i care deeply for mike, but i just cant cry.
forced tears are bad. they hurt so much. it hurts when you try to make them come out, and then it hurts to know that the tears going down your cheeks aren't real.
i want to cry my sorrow out from my plain brown lackluster eyes. Maybe their salty moisture will clean my eyes, and make them shine one day. i would like to have people say something nice about my eyes, instead of "ur eyes are really brooooown......."
i hate that.
i hate these stupid antidepressants. they're like the patch. you really want to smoke, even tho you know its not good for you, but somehting is holding you back.
i want to cry, so badly, even though i know that it does no good to anyone but myself, but these stupid pills are holding me back.
FUCK THEM! FUCK ALL OF THIS SHIT! I WANT IT ALL TO JUST STOP!!!
whatever.
ok, so i lied. i said i wouldn't rant about my inner feelings. but, well, this is basically a private journal seeing as no one reads this EVER. not even bianka.......*tear* well, technically, its not really a tear. its just the feeling of wanting to cry, but i can't.
fuck you.
sorry for being in your way
jessica
ps: no one reads this........no one cares......not even my best friends.....which is extremely sad......*tear*
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