| Current mood: |  exanimate |
| Current music: | scared and lonely -- 3dg |
blah. its so unfair. life sucks.
i'm at the public library now, cuz my computer is still broken. its just not fair. i cant talk to any of my friends on the computer, and i'm not allowed to check my email at school, and this computer wont let me check my email, so its all shit.
ok, so lately, life's been a biznatch.
i dont really remember thursday at all. you know, its one of those things where you try to remember, but you seem to have a mental block or something, and like, besides, theres too much on your mind anyways to even bother to try to remember pointless forgotten things like that...........*sigh*
i remember friday though.
i came to school. i died. then i sat in a corner. then i talked to carrie and yari. then i went to biology and died again. we finished watching lorenzo's oil, but it was a disappointment for me. i wanted the kid to die. just cuz i felt like someone needed to die that day, and since it wasnt going to be me, it might as well be that stupid kid in the movie. then, at the end of class, andrew almost asked me out on a date. unfortunately he had to make it sexually related and then add "just kidding" at the end. i mean, hell, i'll go out with TIM to get my mind off of that asshole who shall not be called by anything but "asshole".
asshole.
then i went to my locker. yes, MY locker, and not yari's.
anyways. yeah, i went to my locker, and brandon told me (through an unpleasant interrogation) that mr asshole had been spreading rumors about me cutting my wrists.
i was infuriated.
i went to second period and asked travis if he would please tell that asshole to stop spreading rumors about me. he said he would. liar. but i'm not to that part yet....
ok, so i died again in lit.
then i went to lunch. or, as i like to call it, sitting alone in a corner while eating a candy bar that will eventually make me fat and then bang my head repeatedly against the coke machine and wish that i would die.
then cheryl came to tlak to me, but i really did not feel like speaking to her at the moment, but of course i didnt tell her that so i just nodded and smiled throughout the whole conversation.
heh. before cheryl came, i heard them talking about me. they didnt talk much about me, but i knew that they were. it hurts, you know.
shit. my session on the compie here will end in less than ten minutes. damnit.
ok, anyways, then i sobbed profusely in band, all because of a special little note that i got from my best friend whom i resent for it, but i am not mad. i cant be mad at her. i mean, if something that i do is not right with her, then it absolutely has to be wrong because shes perfect right?
SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING, RIGHT?!!?!?
i'm not mad at her. i do not hate her. i hate the words that she wrote down on the paper. of course, i could never say it to her face that she made me cry, harder than i had cried in so long.
but now.....who do i trust?
i feel as if i can no longer go to her with my problems. just when i was about to be completely open with her, too.
now, who do i tell my innermost feelings to?
a notebook who cant reply?
a voice of a distant best friend on the phone?
i need someone here.
someone now.
i need someone who can understand me completely.
it would be nice to be able to relate to someone.
and there has to be someone too, because EVERYONE in depression go through the same thing, right?
RIGHT?!
anyways. yeah.
i was genuinly surprised to find that both taylor and eric were worried about me. scared the hell outta me.
i died in spanish. came way back into life in anthropology but stupid mrs carley had to ruin it for me. i hope she dies.
ack, gtg, more later, times up!
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