| Current mood: |  happy |
| Current music: | classic rock radio |
lies
I took that drug test for Gary this morning. I passed. I'm almost sure. I got this guy I graduated with tho piss for me. When I walked in the door of the office this morning I handed Gary my paper showing him that I went.. and he told me that if I would have come in today without have taken it, he would have fired me. That's harsh. He then proceeded to tell me that he didn't make me do it just because I work for him.. but because Ryan looks like "he smokes some dope." That is complete bullshit. He not only judged me, his own niece, because I date Ryan.. but he judged Ryan by the way he looks. It makes me so utterly furious that my own fucking uncle could think he has that kind of right.. to fucking think it's any of his damn business anyways. If he only thinks I smoke pot.. he knows there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. In this line of work.. and my college lifestyle anyways.
It pisses me off even more that I am forced to lie to everyone about my life. I mean, my dad knows I smoke.. and I'm in general not afraid of drugs and new lifestyles.. new concepts.. but with me passing this drug test and getting noticably pissed when I had to take it.. I guess I kind of gave the impression that I don't do drugs and I'm offended by my family not expecting me to pass. It actually doesn't offend me at all. Deep down I kind of like them thinking I have more guts to rebel a little more than they did. I'm just forced to give the impression that I don't do drugs.. and I don't like them thinking I do. It's almost not fair. With everyone else, I embrace them thinking that I'm different. It feels good knowing you're not like everyone else. It's like.. my family thinks I'm slipping away, and growing apart from them, but really all it is is that they won't let me let them in. If I knew without a doubt that they wouldn't judge me, and even if they didn't accept the things I did, they could still accept me for who I am, and love me unconditionally, I would be so close with them. I wouldn't have to lie, and put up that brick wall between us.
It feels so bad to say that if I told my family the truth they would treat me differently, but they would. Except for my dad. What I have let him in on, he doesn't like, but he loves me. I'm sure the rest of my family would be that way eventually, but they always have to be so right, there's no way they could ever look at things from my side. I can't even stand up for a point with them. They break me. wow.. I never realized it until now. They don't give anyone a chance to be right. They just don't even allow that thought.
Ryan came home yesterday! Well, Sunday night, but his car broke down in Bay Minette and T-Roy had to go get him. They didn't get in town til about 4am Monday. Yesterday was one of the best days I've ever had with Ryan. We missed each other so much and we so thoroughly enjoyed each other yesterday it was crazy. I love him more than anything in this world. Him being home has just made everything else go away. All of my other problems and things that should be gettin me down.. aren't there. He takes away everything that's bad.. I want to be with this motherfucker for the rest of my days. for sure.
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