well it's 2:30 in the morning and I just started this journal. My reasons for creating it were that it could help me find myself and as a 21'st birthday present for myself. It's also to help me decide if I want to Complete my journey and dedicate myself to the Goddess. My life is really fucked up I tell you what.I am about to turn 21, have been married since 17, and am head over heels in love with another man.My mother is a total cunt and m dad never says anything.Some people say that georgia is the redneck capitol of the world. WELL I BELIIEVE IT!!!!!! Once when I got in a fight with my mom I asked my dad how he had put up with her shit for so long and do u know what he told me? "that's why they invented Budwiser "!!! The majority of my family (aunts uncles cousins,DAD) are all alcohics.Majority are potheads.My hubby is a complete moron at times and he's an asshole.I am 21 .I should be out having a blast, Instead I'm stuck at home with them.Throut the 3 years of my marrage, It's either been me working, him working or my parents supporting us.WE have lived in our own place for MABEY 6 months the whole time.He cannot keep a job!Right now I can't work.Let me just go ahead and give my lil journal hear a good RANT/history of myself.I was born Sept.29,1982 @11:06pm, In Augusta,Ga.Childhood years where ok. I have a half sis and half bro. OH yeah back to childhood, It was ok until i turned oh say 6? Then I started school.Thanks to my dumb blond sis my first day of kindergarten also marked the first day of my torment. See We both love animals, but she was dumb enough to earn herself the nick name of "Tidybowl" bc she pet the giant lab retreavor before she got on the bus each morning. Guess what ? I became Tidybowl jr.And Oh yes.. Lets not forget big brother... the child molesting son of a bitch.He started messin with me when i was barely walking. and I wasn't the only one. He messed with my sis too. Several people knew about it , but NOONE would say anything when I told. Noone believed me.He messed with the neighbors foster kids down the road too. He made me have a 3some with him and another girl. He did'nt fuck me , just made me suck him.Every guy I've ever dated has made a comment about my cock sucking.It's been said I could suck a baseball through a coffee stirrer.Would'nt all of them be shocked if i had said "yeah ,Thank my big brother."He was'nt the only one. My cousins did it too. male and female.When I was 6 5 of my young male cousins gang banged me in the backyard.I'm a real angel I tell ya, but then again so was Satan.Add the fact that my sister was the biggest whore in the countyand tha i worshipped her, that really called for a great childhood. The few bright spots were the pets, music, mty best friend and MY GRANNY.My granny was like no one else. you could say she raised me. She's the one who got me started on music.She was always there for me when i needed her.I was granny's lil baby.I tell you nobody fucked with me.She always gave me great presents for every holiday.I'm talking furiture. tv's, game systems.once a dollhouse bigger than i was.she was great.I will say this I'm a Daddy's girl.always have been.I was a;ways smart. I had straight A's in school up until 4th grade when I got bored and said to hell with it.After repeating 4th, I decided it was time for a lil work but got pissed off when i received the nick name the brain .Ok I'm a freak and proud of it.The summer befoe I turned 16, I lost my virginity to this guy that worked with my sister.In the office of LIL Ceaser's pizza.That smae summer I ralized that me staring at firls in swimsuits did'nt mean i wa admiring the suit.. It was girl watching. I was scoping out the babes.I was totally bi.I tried and made sure. Loved it. I ate that girls pussy for about 4 hours.My dating life was a wreck.ok I dated one guy who hated sex, one who swore his dick was enormas, and it was like and inch on hard.I even dated a midget.ok I was really really weird back then.ok then I met Chris.I ended up dating him.I had met him once at my aunts house and then again the night he and my cuz graduated. Now heres a lil hing. I had dated chris's cousin M. for about 3 months that year. I hated and still do hate m's brother T. T is an asshole and he would do anything to hurt his brother.M was in love with me. That's why we broke up.We were falling in love to fast and werent ready for it.Well M's brother T was at the grad party and i had to sleep over to go to it. I thought T. was being nice when he kept bringing me drinks. what a stupid lil bitch i was.. he not only put vodka in it he drugged me.He got me to fuck him in the woods. I came out and stood on he porch and screamed " I'm like Goldburg, Who's Next?"(i'm a fan lol)I ended up sleeping with the other guy named T. and hey he was cute but that's no the subject, he got his wish cuz he'd been trying to get in my pants for ages. Might have somthing to do with me sprouting c cups overnight in 3rd grade,Now it's worse it;s dd.anywayz I screwed both T's and gave head to 2 other guys.can we say FREE PORN???!Me and alcohol did'nt mix too well for a long time bc i already have limited inhibitions alcohol= no inhibitions.anywayz chris was at the party and he saw everything so when he asked me out ho i was'nt really attracted to him i gave him a chance. Somehow I managed to get engaged.I dropped out of school bc he wanted me too.I got a job working at mcdonalds (wow!!!)There I met Tory and JOE.Tory was this big fat black dude but he is a trip from hell. THen thers joe. skinny ugly as helll but very artistic(naturally a pothead)white boy, I end up becomin REAL good friends with him. He's a total perve but he did teach me the joys of mutual masterbation,. I screwed him once it wasn't that good. anway a few month later i get pissed off lock everyone in the freezer and walk out on my job. told em all to fuck off.Got a new job at Hardee's (ironic i know) then 3 weeks before my wedding , I 'm at work and I get a phone call. Now the manager is usually abitch about the phone so when she told me to take the cordless in the back i knew something was up. It was my mom. The house I had lived in my entire life had just burned down to the ground.I lost everything.. including most of my cats.I did'nt even have a pair of panties.Everyone else managed to save a few things.ok so It's either stuck in a hotel with my rent' or stay wit a friend. I stayed with the friend.That night my white persian cat (who was outside at the time of the fire) delivered kittens in my best friends bathroom oh joy.ok so onwards we go. The week before my wedding some bitch fucked up my dress. Then at the wedding I alsmost fucked up my sister in law for deliberatly throwing rice in my hair after the announcement has been made not to bc of the problems i was having with my hair. I bitch slapped her right in the parking lot of the church.she ruined my night bc i was'nt able to go outbc of the birdseed i was picking out of my hair for the next 3 weeks.anwayz right after we moved into our house it got broken into 3 times to steal stuff and then again to kill all my cats.anyways after a year i pop up pg.I was so happy, and so was my granny who was the reason i went for the pg test. She went in the hospital for pneimonia, and while she was in she had a stroke. When I was little I kept her from dying . I was about 4 and she had a stroke. she wa in a coma and the dr. asked if there was anyone se was really close to so they let me in the room with her . I crawled in the bed and hugged her and i sang to her and she opened her eyes. After that I gave her physical therapy and even took her to the dr.When iwas 15 i wrecked my car. Had it aboiut a month.people i didnt even know showed up at the er claining to be my daughter husband fiance boyfriend sister /brother/cousin/lo0ver ect. I was like WTF?ok anyway my granny died oct.26, nov.21 i miscarried. I was in actually labor at 9 weeks of pg. Now this is closer to now.There was a time before i lost my virginity when i was 15 that i had a total all out crush on the guy who ran the gravitron at the fair. I rosde that one ride all night to stare at him ok.Anywayz so this past Jan.Me and the hubby get hired at a taxi stand.both as driver but thatnight i ended up dispatching. I had no fucking clue what i was doing. They said they would get me help so i'm just sitting there behind the desk trying to stay calm and the door opens. The first thing i see is a pair of long, muscualr legs, followed by what looked to be a great ass and a very tight packed pair of jeans.Then a on up it was dammit man at that chest and broad shoulders and wow great smile an omg BEDROOM EYES. as if the rest of thiis paticular cowboy was'nt enough he had eyes that screamed I will fuck u in so many ways and make u cum so many times you'll never want another man.Thais man had the sexiest hazel eyes i had ever seen. He moved like a tiger.so lazily but you could tell he was alert and rippling with muscles underneath.All i could do was Stammer.. Who are you? he' said " I'm Nate" And that was all she wrote.He was my replacement for the night.We ended up sticking my hubby in as a driver so wesat up all night and talked.tunrs out he was the guy that worked the gravitron i had been so crazy about. And I could talk to him. Yes he is The man I mentioned that I was in love with at the beggining.Ok so later on After we have flirted and talked and goofed off for like forever ,finally on Valentines day we were working together. I was 2 short to drive the car so the let me gas up and I dispatched while nate and Max drove. It was valentine;s day. He kissed me that night. I had never been touched like that before.Let me add that he had been involved with a chick named misty who had 3 kids and looked like a man with long hair and tits. was still involved with her at the time. Anywayz she found out hell broke loose and it was a week before we could talk in private.. we were both driving that night. My van just happened to break down so I had nate run me to get something to eat. We talked and he kissed e several more times, each more magical than the last.Well around fair time, I found out the hubby had cheated on me so i dropped him off at his momma's.. It was cinfirmed a week later when i was out at the bar the girl informed me she was pg by my hubby. Ever heard the expression so pissed u cry . I manged to stay calm long enough to walk out of the bar and drive across town, where I parked my car and beat the hell out of my steering wheel and cried like a baby, well low and behold here come nate like the calvary. He had to go on a longer than normal run and asked me to ride so we could talk. I went and We talked and So forth and basically after that i rode with him every night. Shortly therafter misty found out and kicked him out of the house. yay .We ended up getting together. i loved that man. I would have done anything for him, still would tell ya more later cuz it's 4 am now and i need some sleep laterz.