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joshua buck (jbuckf) wrote,
@ 2003-10-06 10:51:00
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    Current mood:contemplative
    Current music:the hum of a linux box

    a little harried
    Things are a little crazy right now. I suppose its just when the current of life starts moving faster.

    I have a lot of stuff on my mind in terms of social ideas. Most of the stuff on my mind relates to my current work in getting to know myself a little better. When I got out of college I discovered a lot of the things I thought were me weren't. Then I started doing a little more reading about certain topics and discovered a whole new world that serves as an introduction to dive into the subtleties of my concious and unconcious world.

    I look at everyone else, and often see how I am so different. Then I see how I have certain needs, and I see the way others satisfy their needs that are similar. I know their way is not the way I want to do it, but at the same time, I'm often at a loss to name exactly what my way of satisfying that need is.

    So, for example, being social. Over the past couple years, I've really been nourishing my introverted side. I realized my extroverted side is nice, but has many weaknesses with respect to the things I value in life. I find my extroverted side is fun, and people like it, but my extroverted side gets NOTHING done. Maybe that's an exaggeration...I need to think about that.

    I suppose some would say that questioning yourself this much is a really bad thing to do. However, for me, this questioning is necessary. If I don't question, if I don't seek to explain why I feel and act the way I do, then the feelings build up inside and I eventually explode. Questioning and introspection are a positive thing for me.

    So I've been nourishing my introverted side, and I'm really pleased with the results. I feel my life has much more stability and meaning. I'm getting things accomplished in many areas. But I realize life is about balance, and I feel I could use a certain social outlet. However, I'm a little lost at finding what's the appropriate one for me. Having stressed my extroverted side for quite some time (middle school - end of college), I have been able to explore quite a few 'crowds,' and quite a few social scenes. The values held by most of these scenes don't jive with me anymore. And I can see, simply from a glance, how other groups of activity partners morph from being a group with common interests to a group that takes pride in excluding others. I'm interested in finding a group that is about positivity and growth.

    Its been a bit tricky because I have tons of friends, but I feel they are friends of my past, a past whose skin is almost fully shed. That's not to say I don't still care for them, and even enjoy their company, but their values, interests, and activities are things I don't value anymore. Going to a bar for me is nearly pointless. I don't really like drinking too much, and I have a girlfriend. Socializing in a bar revolves around either alcohol, or meeting women. I suppose sometimes a crew at a bar engages in interesting conversation. It does happen, especially among the people I know. But the atmosphere isn't to my interest. Can't quite put my finger on the rest of my feelings about this yet.

    So maybe I should combine this sort of itching desire with another...a place to deepen my spirituality - a church, a religion, etc. I've done quite a bit of exploring in spirituality in the past 6-7 years. I feel about ready to make a decision. Maybe this is really what I'm looking for.

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