so much is happening around me. but i don't have the strength or the stomach to even begin. but i think i can give you a play by play. they've been staying here. it's been sucky, yes, because they are messy. too messy for me. but i think that they can see that i'm not feeling it. they've decided to leave on friday. we'll see...other than that, my awesome boyfriend has taken the liberty to help his gorgeous amazing ex girlfriend's (who's totally his type...tall, skinny, beautiful...) brother get a job, where he's working mind you...and he had the balls to bring this man to my home. he had the nerve to tell me it was a guy named "J". i know his face...and he knew that i'd recognize him...that's why i asked "do you think i'm stupid?" the moment they walked in. he was upset because I was "rude". i wanted to punch him the face and slit his throat, because that's how badly i was hurt. the feeling was way too familiar. i felt that way when pepe would pull up in christina's car. i'd feel that way when he was around any bitch really. and of course now i know, that my feelings about those situations were completely justified. i went downstairs because i didn't want to take her brother home in a messy car...just in case he had the idea of going home and telling this sister that her "one true love's" new woman was a disgusting slob. but steven followed me downstairs and tried to talk to me. it worked. i ended up feeling bad for being rude, i wanted to apologize but he convinced me it was a bad idea. but regardless, me feelings were what they were and nothing he said or says is going to change that. i'm going to continue to check up on things, and i'm not letting my guard down for a second. i've given him the impression that i have, and i'm fully prepared to deal with whatever i might find. he tried to find something on me tonight. but what he doesn't realize is that i'm just as good, if not better, at wiping my tracks clean...it's interesting that's he's suddenly looking. it makes me think that there's something to hide..these fuck nigga's....
and me. i'm back to a point that i never wanted to be in...but i'm here regardless. now i'm gonna go to bed. who cares what happens afterwards. if he want's to get his dick wet, or have his ego blown up, let him have it. i'm here. and i'm sick. not just physically.....i need therapy or something...
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