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Just a week ago, I could loudly, or rather silently, proclaim my great happiness. After my return from the Redang trip, my days were packed as usual. Despite the emptiness and loneliness felt sub-consciously, there was a sense of freedom from the concerns that plagued me before the trip. I may no longer have them to fill up my life, yet, I could finally focus on things which are real and important. Like, my work and colleagues, family, etc. Miraculous things happened during the trip which I have been wanting to share about, and more happened after I was back. Even though I felt sad at the disappearance of my lunch kakis, S and C, I found new regular ones right after I returned from the trip, and we have had some good time together. Bosses responded to my mails and things moved ahead. There were affirmations and even the Dy who publicly named the importance of my work. This is something very much lacking in my daily office life cos my immediate boss places negligible focus on my work. On Mon nite, I told dear P that life is really good. Work is working out, issues with frens were resolved, etc etc. On Thurs when I met Cr, I told her that I felt really happy cos everything seems to be going fine. Not that all's great, but I felt blessed with what I have. Only, she didn't hear nor share my happiness. And I felt this regret at not having someone who could really understand and share my joy. No doubt we need someone to share our sorrows, but we need someone to share our great happiness when we are feeling it as well. Freedom to love and be loved is my greatest desire. I realised that that is when I feel truly happy. For now, at least. I had hoped to stay happy for as long as possible, that the post-trip effects would not wear out. But now they are starting to. I am back to being some slave at work. The wrong focus came back and filled my thoughts. It has been a struggle trying my darnest to shake it off. Today, I kicked myself when I obviously avoided my boss on the way to work. She would have known I knew she was walking behind me. Yet, mornings are simply not the time I wish to talk to anybody. I did not want her to be reminded that I reach work this early and step into office that late. I didnt want her to catch me without make-up on, or before I say my morning prayers. I just would appreciate a little privacy in the very early morning, which is not mine to have, I realised. Upon stepping into office later on, I was sure she would have things to tell me as she always does. Yet, I received a call from prawngal who was sobbing incessantly. I went out to the stairway and tried to console her for sometime. I know she didnt mean to disturb my work, but she could not help it then. The issues are re-opened again. After I thought that the saga had closed, with my patching up with prawngal and becoming a little closer to a certain party. A certain party's wounds are very raw everytime uncle appears, and imagining that things are fine is just a very mistaken thought. I saw that a certain party would be uncomfortable on national day, and was disappointed that she didnt share a word with me about it. Yet, she had an explosion with prawngal yesterday which resulted in the crying and the latter's quitting the choir today. And I am to once again keep mum about knowing this whole affair. I never knew keeping a secret could be that much a torture. And I really questioned myself on my motivation in the urge to plunge right into it, to resolve the issue and to heal the wounds. Yet, I had been burned very badly from doing so before the trip, and it was with great effort and a miracle that things worked out for me. I shouldnt be involved again. Yet, it pains me to see prawngal depart silently, and my not being able to share a certain party's sorrows. I need to, once again, put on a happy front in front of her, and avoid all talk that is even potentially deep or emotional. Yet, I am not someone who enjoys extended crappy conversations. Is my desire to share the sorrows a need to use this to close our distance in frenship? If that is so, then I would not do it. I am mature and sensible, at least I am growing to be, I hope. I'll move according to His will. If He requires me to keep silent and act ignorant as the greatest favour and act of love, then that is what I would do. I take no credit and need no appreciation for this. Post a comment in response: |
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