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Conversion Retreat It was about time I took stock of where I was, and I was very in need of a 'retreat'. One in which I would not be serving, but a participant. It came timely before the LISS in which i would serve as a facil again, and I thought it could be for spiritual preparation. Initially, I was against the idea of the conversion retreat, as I felt I didnt need another conversion. I had my deep conversion experience in Bangkok last year, and I did not need to be converted again. And furthermore, it was strongly recommended by someone and I did not want to be influenced by the person. However, eventually, I felt a calling to go for it as it offers a spiritual depth that I might be needing at the point of time. I managed to get CC, E and J to go, and was quite happy about it. Esp since CC is not Catholic. I was happy to go thru such a deep conversion experience together with her! I might usually not allow people into such areas of my life that require deep healing, as I may not prefer company. I kept feeling it was my fault cos I took quite long with the preparation for the camp on Thurs morning. Hence I reached late and didnt have that impt mac breakfast with CC. Not only did I look forward to Mac breakfast, I thought it was a good time to hear about any apprehensions CC has, and to say a prayer together for strength to go through the retreat and for Him to reveal his healing love to us through it. Unfortunately, that was not to be. Feeling like I had a mission or responsibility to make my frens feel comfortable, I felt quite stressed initially. I kept wondering whether CC or E was bored, and whether J was ok. However, during the precious adoration time on the 1st day, He revealed to me to just allow Him to take care of things. He will take care of them and they will respond in His time. He wanted me to focus on my own journey. On the 2nd day, I felt refreshed. I truly enjoyed the conversations with the people and the atmosphere of the place, and the deeply enriching talks by F W Goh. I felt I was in paradise, every second of the time there. I also enjoyed the little walk E and I had around the retreat centre sharing with each other about how it was not easy to apply to real life what we learnt at the talks. That night, at adoration, I sensed He was revealing to me my wrong-doings. In fact, He showed to me how disappointed He was that I proclaim myself as His child, yet my actions towards my parents hurt Him, cos it hurt them. Of all the revelations and miracles I claimed, my life did not show I was living in His light. What good then was all these amounting to? He asked me to purify the intentions behind every single thing I have been doing. Perhaps, most of them were not really done with the motivation of glorifying Him, but for the purpose of securing others' love for me. Hence, I twisted and turned to try and achieve and lock that love and acceptance with me. That prohibits me from doing His work cos I was more concerned about pleasing man than God. It was really humbling to learn all these, that my enlightened self after the Bangkok retreat really needed re-looking at. It broke down all my perceptions and beliefs in life which I had thought were right. Of cos, that made me feel lost. Then, I had to reflect on all the hurts that pple had done to me. Something really uncomfortable came up, cos it was abt my dad. I dont know whether it was the holy spirit, but I had never thought of my dad in that way before, feeling guilty most of the time for the way I treat him. Other people came up, those who had really hurt me before, but i realised that they are really over and I no longer really habour anger or bitterness towards them. Someone in the current life is in the list though, and that made me feel quite uncomfortable. I really dislike having a secret to keep. Why must He make it so hard for me in this aspect? Why can't I share freely about this like others can? It makes things really awkward. The next day at adoration, I prayed to be able to love others more genuinely. Yet, it was a struggle praying for it. I prayed for the strength to be able to continue building His ministry. Yet, I felt it was tiring and I no longer really had to motivation. I guess I might be experiencing burn-out like what some others have. I was feeling dry and unable to continue working on it. Then, I felt the revelation that I had to pray to truly experience His love. Without that water of life, I could not continue, cos I could not give to others what I did not have. Any acts of serving would just be ways of keeping myself accepted and could be for self-glorification cos of the praises and affirmations they bring me. My strengths are a blessing, yet such praises from people could be my down-fall. As what F W Goh said, we need not be affected by others' opinion of us. Others' praises merely affirm to us what we already know about ourselves. Then I started praying very hard to truly be able to experience His love. As I have shared with many others, that was answered miraculously during the outpouring of the holy spirit. I truly surrendered myself and rested in the spirit twice. The 1st time, I had the feeling of a cool breeze washing over my body and purifying it. The 2nd time, I envisioned God's love right in front of me, amidst all the distractions of other people's opinion about me which I had to choose to ignore and put God first. It was a warming feeling. I will build my life on the rock. It was a truly victorious and free feeling at the end of the retreat. Yet, someone was there at the closing. And the hurt was there again of the times the person visited during the retreat and didnt really come to us. I thought that if it was me, I would surely have prayed for the fren for the retreat. I thought of the others who msged me to find out how I was each day of the retreat, pple who cared. And it was disappointing that it seemed the person did not really. Anyhow, I went straight to bdae celebration that night, and had a great time joking and sharing with the rest. I heard alot about the state of the person's r/s from a mutual fren. Then, that fren appeared, and I almost never talked to the fren at all. I did try to share about the conversion retreat experience, the fren being the one who recommended it to me. But the sharing was abit formal and awkward. Since a long time ago, I knew and got the revelation that if I was not able to overcome it, it would really affect our frenship in time to come. Yet what could I do if I was just not really able to no matter how hard I tried? Anyhow, I held on to His love. I had a most wonderful and unexpected chitchat with E on the phone the day after the retreat. Then we went for evening mass together, and had a sumptious chicken rice dinner. Then went for coffee. Chris joined us a while later and shared his multiple conversions during the retreat. Then we 3 went to the adoration room to pray after that. It felt really nice. I am truly thankful for the deep and new-found frenship with E. This one is truly soul-mate material. I shared about the ugliest things in my life. LISS To think of it now, LISS was a continuation of the faith journey. I went pretty unprepared, having not attended any intercessory preparation and skipped the welcome session. It seemed to me like I was not ready to serve this time round. Actually, I felt a calling to be an attached prayer warrior, instead of a facil. Cos I feel I have the gift of prayer, and I enjoy praying for people's needs, and express my love to others this way. And an attached prayer warrior gets to journey with a group of participants, and is involved in praying over for healing and outpouring. Yet, at the same time, I wanted to break out of my shell and improve my facilitation skills to reach out more to His pple. What exactly did He want me to do? Perhaps it was anything, as long as I lift it up to Him to work through me. Yet, I was a facil this time feeling like a prayer warrior. I felt painfully inadequate cos I am not the ra-ra kind and never had it easy getting a group of pple to open up. I dont really even fancy talking in a group myself. I did not feel I love my participants enough. Yet, at the end of the day, I am glad each of them experienced Him in a different way, even though it is not in the dramatic way I desire. I desire to see them show the effects in physical ways to affirm myself. Yet, they did not really show it. Through it, I learnt to truly love pple I am naturally repelled by, which was one of my participants. At the end of it, I loved her the most, and her simplicity allowed me to experience His love through my free flow of praying over her and watching the gal transform. His ways are not mine, and I only desire to do according to His will for them, and love them the way He would. Not to satisfy myself. I am ready to continue to journey with them if needed. I experienced Him myself also. During the reconc and adoration night, as I sat there, I had a vision of Him loving and being proud of me for who I am. His child tryng to serve His people. He wants me to do everything in life bearing this in mind, acting like someone who believes truly that He knows and loves me. Not hiding and in guilt or anger. He showed me the areas of my life that I need His help, and I prayed for Him to heal me in those areas. One was the r/s with the fren whom I find it difficult to forgive cos of the hurt the person was still causing me. That day, another mutual fren had told me that next time if they go out w/o me, do not feel bad abt it cos that fren had said abt not being comfortable sharing about r/s problems with me around. That just goes to prove the point abt if I did not overcome it soon, it would affect our frenship. I had been keepng my distance and acting more like an enemy than a fren. Yet, all this time, i do care abt this person alot in my heart and still did alot of things to redeem for my unfrenly behaviour. That msg from the mutual fren hurt and I was in a down spirit for 1.5 days till LISS. The memories of our time at the retreat in dec came back even when I was at the retreat house. Yet, I cannot be selfish and I rather the person takes care of the problems than worry abt whether I was hurt abt not being included. That is easier said than done and I still felt sore abt it. This problem reflects many other similar problems with pple and many to come, and I just truly prayed for healing that such a scenerio will not occur again with anyone else to make things awkward. The other area is the r/s with my parents, and how the vicious cycle hurt me all the time. I prayed hard for healing from this addiction of treating them in a way that makes me cower in guilt cos of my own pride. I lifted these to Him, and He promised that He helps his children. I was asked to keep having faith. And to revel in this new life that He was revealed. I felt much lighter and the hope and fire to serve him came back again as I made a come-back to Him. All those times when I had done extraordinary things in His name after the Bangkok retreat flashed thru my mind, and I knew I was no longer doing these things. I felt the passion to serve Him again. That pretty much sums up the intense spiritual journey recently. Post a comment in response: |
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