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Leaving 2007 and stepping into 2008 2007 had been a special year, different from the past ones. It was a year of spiritual discovery, catching a glimpse and getting a grasp of my identity in Him. As the cliche saying goes, trials are blessings in disguise and all things happen for a reason. Yet, I still believe it takes tremendous determination, courage, trust and grace to come to terms with this in your times of trial. And He has given us the free will to choose whether to respond to His saving grace and efforts and attempts to mould us to be more like Him. Often times, we can barely do these alone. But it does involve often, if not always, personal conviction. I am not typing a self-help or religious book here, but in fact, I do rejoice at the fact that I can now proclaim His name unabashedly and for no other reason except that I have to. It could turn out to be a personal testimony here of how 2007 had brought me closer or even to know Him for the first time. 2007 started off with me battered and struggling with myself in the areas of work, low self-esteem, disillusionment about r/ses, healing from past hurts that I had wanted to put behind. The first 6 months was hell in the area of work, being under a belittling superior that crushed my sense of self-worth to naught. Yet, no matter how bad things got, it was still undeniable that on the surface things might not have been that bad. I had my share of grooming by the organisation and was sent to many courses and became known as subject matter expert in the field I was dealing with, they even fought for me to be sent to the HK learning trip, we had our share of pay increments, superiors all the way 5 levels above were Christians with visions that inspired the organisation, till the end of the day the boss of my superior who recruited me seemed to believe in me. I made the best decision I could think of in my life to leave the dpt upon its corporatisation. It was a somewhat timely and graceful exit to a better place with continued staff benefits and further pay increments. And the best of all, I would think, is a new superior who at the very least recognises my strengths and contributions for a start. Of course, that is not to say that the current place is paradise. In fact, the perpetuating thought is that it is probably not where He wants me to be in the long run. The role lacks potential for upward movement to say the least. There aren't many new things and skills to pick up. Nowhere is perfect and we are still finding our way. Yet, I have the thought and habour a sense of hope that 2008 will be a year of discovering a direction to move towards. I do get the feeling that I am no more the uncertain and confused person who had completely no idea about her own strengths, believing secretly that she had none. What started as a seemingly mistaken path in taking the business degree does not mean the end of the road. In fact, smooth securing of a place in the NTU post grad translation course, my superiors kindly excusing me to pursue my interest to be a part-time counsellor for the organisation, and clearing all obstacles (application, written test, interview, etc) without much trouble rather miraculously in view of circumstances, could well be hints for the future. Will be doing the one-week counselling course this coming week. Had shared with A that I could end up an intepretator/translator and part-time counsellor (for extra wages or volunteery), or full-time counsellor and freelance translator. The practicality of these are still being deliberated. But it does seem instinctively like something I would enjoy and could more effortlessly contribute in. Ever since starting work here, I had asked myself and Him often how I could possibly associate my current work with fulfilling His will. He had given some answers. I did get the strong prompting, nevertheless, that it is time to stop comparing with others and social expectations, to recognise own strengths and start putting them to use to serve others in response to His calling. And 2007 had been a good starting point in discovering what they are. The turning point started with the Jesus Youth south east asia youth retreat in Thailand in May 07. It could have been a run-of-the-mill retreat to some others, but as I had shared, your mindset towards the retreat has much to do with what you will end up bringing away from it. It wasnt that the retreat was spectacular, but it was where I first experienced His love. After 5 mths of being stuck in the rut, I went in desperate seek for healing and answers. Talked to a Priest who is passionate about the youths and he gave advice and insight which helped me make one of the best decisions of my life. The Brother provided a different perspective, but deep healing where it was needed. I came back burning to serve Him and to spread His good news to the country and SEA. Only, I was unused to walking in His light and felt more like a freak in a world that did not know me. I prayed very very hard for there to be a community I could walk together with, cos it seemed impossible to experience these alone and learn to put the inspirations to practice. Returning from the retreat, it started the easier job applications and interviews, making the choice with the available offers, and the smooth transition into next place. Miraculously, without expecting at all, I gradually found the community I was seeking for in the church choir, and perhaps also with living stones. In His time and by His grace, everything fell into place and the few of us ended up kickstarting a bible study grp for the choir in an attempt to raise the spiritual level. The group of us then grew close as fellow journeyors, and the frenships formed have been priceless gifts to me. I started leading CGs, prayers, and getting to know them better. It wasn't an easy journey, taking in view my personality. For some reason, the little efforts I put in drew affirmations about gifts I never really thought about. Some thought I am intelligent, perceptive, caring, humble and a 'marvelous contributor to the choir', although I am quite certain I didnt really do as much as I could. Of course, these were unexpected rewards that helped in my plans for my future. He has said that when we utilise our gifts, He would give us more. Although initially uncertain about helping out at LISS as a facil, being my shy nature, there happened to be a slot vacated and I was 'recommended' by a couple of fellow living stones pple. That was an amazing experience in learning to love and serve my brothers and sisters. The last 6 months of 2007 might not have been a bed of roses totally, but it was a hopeful journey that brought with it many joys. Xmas 07 forced me to come to face with and acknowledge my own sinfulness, and make a genuine commitment to change my ways. It was time I stopped living in perpetual guilt about something, and emerge into the 'light'. It was time I moved on and start doing His work. The pageant was a miracle in itself and I would never forget how the entire choir roped in to help with the props, stage, acting, singing in whatever ways possible. The love that was shown towards one another and Him could not be anything else but His grace. Of course, I acted as the angel and it was unnerving at first as I am known to be shy and I had no time to rehearse at home or memorise my lines, besides running the scene through my head often while travelling. Lifting it all to Him, the results were great and received many affirmations about the cute angel and 'good acting'. Acting had been one of my greatest interests in childhood, and I was glad these finally came to use. Because of what 2007 had brought, I was intially apprehensive about what 2008 would bring. As pessimistic as I am, I did not truly believe good news can sustain or increase or even that they belong to me. There would be other trials to come. Yet, as days passed and I started reflecting and planning, I can feel the hope and joy that 2008 would bring further changes that would help me continue the walk with Him I only recently started. When we could trust in Him, He fulfills our heart's desires, protects us from all anxieties, gives us peace sets us free and helps us fly. I have made numerous resolutions in the area of health, personal devleopment, family, friends, church community, and lift these up to Him. Over the last week, I had been prompted more strongly that comparing with and admiring others is absolutely unnecessary and only serves to make me miserable for the umpteen time. From now on, I strive to make independant decisions aligned with my purposes in His will, and will learn not to look over my shoulder and lament at what others have or are doing. In gaining this 'independance', I know I would be grateful for the companions He would give to me along this journey. And I hope I see you on the way. Post a comment in response: |
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