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Another 1.5 months have passed. I am not really supposed to be here now in the office using the computer commonly shared by 10 pple (we have no individual internet access, hence my disappearance from MSN). How has it been? It has been an amazing journey spiritually, and perhaps it is time to pen it down. Hereafter, I should publish my testimonials on the group website..! He has led me well along the new path, and daily, I am challenged with how to better live life as an effective Christian. There are many things to learn. 1) Together with a few like-minded choirmates, who amazingly expressed the same sentiments as I did about the sprituality or complete lack of of our choir and the meaninglessness of our regular activities and singing, we decided to take a brave step and start a bible-sharing group for the choir, and take turns to lead it every Tuesday. Response has been good thus far and it has certainly progressed in deepening our frenships and understanding of the faith by learning and sharing with one another. I have always dreamt of a day I could do all these for Him, but never thought it could one day come true. And it did, almost too easily! One of the goals I came back with from the Thailand trip, which I shared with others but did not think it really possible, has been realised! 2) Burning with the desire and passion to serve, I did not shy away from helping out at LISS. But, not shying away is not expressive of my true, earnest desires to be His instrument. At first, I accepted my 'default' role as a prayer warrior (which role I also took last year, not so much out of desire to serve but for want of better things to do, although even then I experienced miracles I could not forget). But thought it was a waste cos I sense Him telling me to do more and go forth and spread His word. I continued being the laid back one turning up late for sessions and company I did not particularly enjoy. I did, nevertheless, expressed to the organiser that I was a little disappointed to be put as a prayer warrior again. Towards the retreat, a facil dropped out unexpectedly and the organiser recommended for me to fill the role. After thinking hard abt it, I accepted the challenge. Facil? I am not good at contributing to and leading grp sharings, how could I possibly do it?? How could the grp's spritual experience at the milestone retreat depend on me (although obviously it was never me at work, i realised)? Was scared outta my wits the first sessions, although the experience forced me to be diligent in my prayer life in preparation for helping His people at the retreat. Facing my participants, I didnt really know what to do as they were not kids, but intelligent, discerning young adults with much more ministry experience than me. What was I, an amatuer, to teach them? Furthermore, with my dear and extremely capable co-facil, I might as well just take a backseat. Yet, I knew He did not call me there to take a backseat. After daily, diligent, earnest prayers, I grew truly concerned abt the spiritual lives of my dear participants. During the retreat and grp prayers, I prayed hard to carry out my 'duties' with the correct intentions and allow Him to work through me. I prayed hard to be able to genuinely love my participants to want to help them. True enough, miraculously, after the gals shared with me their deepest struggles, I grew to love and care for them immensely. THat love came not from me, but I believe is His love for them through me, that allowed me to do the healing and praying over for them. The participants' testimonials after the retreat were amazing and touching. One saw familiar scenes of herself crying and thinking she was alone in her times of struggle, and the image of Jesus beside her in every scene unnoticed by her. Another saw herself in an open green field with Jesus sitting beside holding her hand. Another saw rays of light and Jesus in a white robe. (Y is He always in a white robe? Anyway, I think I need to see for myself) Yesterday, one week after their LISS experiences, I was extremely touched to hear from them their experiences. One of the guys shared that he had over the week reconciled with his childhood friend who stole his gf 6 mths ago, for the fren had out of the blue taken the initiative to call him up. This was one of the issues he had shared with us for his healing session, as he confessed that he had been unable to forgive his fren. Another gal shared that over the week, she found out that the guy she had admired for 3 yrs has already gotten a GF. To her, it was a v low point, but to me, I thought "phew praise God". She had shared with us for her healing that she needed to know what to do with this guy who is not a xtian and often teases and undermines her faith practices, which made her lost for words/actions. She wondered whether she shd pursue the 'hot/cold' r/s. As I prayed for her, I prayed most sincerely for what was best for her, even though I didnt feel comfortable with the r/s. So the ans had surfaced for her v clearly. Another gal who has depressed and at a v low point b4 the retreat is extremely light-hearted and happy now. Time for a new life! I also overcame my fears and built confidence in facilitating, i thoroughly enjoyed the sessions and these pple! I wanna join a facilitation network! 3) It left me, though, struggling to will myself to build on the faith. The one from the dark side prompts me at every opportunity ("Why dont u just believe in Fengshui, and focus on enjoying a gd life? Why care so much abt faith and helping other pple? Do you find yourself reaching any of the goals living in such a tough way?", "You are not good enough.", "You will never succeed, c'mon, dont even try." "If you believe in Him, you will lose control and land yourself real hard in a mess, and even the little faith you have now will be gone. I suggest you dont test your faith by trusting completely.", "Things will never work out", "You enjoy these things and you will continue to be chained by ur bad habits."). I know it cannot be by my own will and power. I told my participants, I understand that sometimes these promptings come hard on you, dont deliberate, raise SOS to ur facils and we will help you and pray for you. Yet, who is my SOS? 4) There is one part of my life I have not dared to entrust to Him, and I simply cant figure out what He wants. I know I am extremely blessed to be in this job with many benefits (bought 14 books using co. allowance, lying there to be read), when my ex colleagues are struggling with pay cuts in a sinking ship. Moving away was the best move I made. Pay increments/adjustments have occurred twice in 2 months. Boss is quite okie, and assistant is terrific. Yet, ever since that quibbling incident with a colleague, whom I have made myself forgive and treat nicely, things have not gone on too well. I wonder what is wrong and lacking? How to build better working r/ses? How to build better partnership with boss to bring out my own potential and contribute more effectively, so I can enjoy work more? How to work with dear assistant to bring out her best and still lead? Currently, petty quibblings and opinions by top management is making me feel real small and like doing junk work. My vision of developing many creative initiatives is not coming true as yet as I realised I was to be bogged down by many preceding procedures and boring things. Everything needs to be approved by multiple levels, and of cos, no one listens to a small fry like me. Then what's the point? Is He telling me to leave it? I cant hear Him. What if He is? If He is almightly, if He has everything under his feet, if He delivers His promises, if He has sealed us with his Holy Spirit, it would not be selective and He would help me with the work I have to face 5 days a week as well. Or would You? Yesterday, the priest said, "the prob is 90% of Catholics are passive, they do absolutely nothing. A Christian who does nothing is not a Christian. I encourage you to spend one hour in prayer daily and you will experience a trasnformation in your personal life, and the lives of those around you. If each of you do that, this church will be transformed into the most vibrant and dynamic church, not just in Spore, but in the world." Haha, of cos there are implications if he says 'the world', what does it suggest abt the spirituality of most churches? Truth is, it is not easy for mere mortals to master up such strong self discipline. We are, after all, not nuns and priests whose main role and jobscope is to pray. We are faced with many distractions. All those times I plonked onto bed and fell right asleep, prob cos the alternative to that was to pray. All those times I diligently climbed outta bed at 5 am to pray, only to doze off 75% of the time. All those times I hid in the washroom saying my fervant prayers before facing another new day and ppl. I would like to develop and have a routine prayer life (I do read the bible daily now, what strength it gives me!), all u Xtians out there, join me in the one-hour rule.....ask me the next time! (in a v nice way of cos, hehe) Post a comment in response: |
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