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shy and retiring (jackdanielles) wrote,
@ 2003-02-14 07:35:00
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    Current mood:tired

    incoherence and scrambled thoughts.
    i have pains in my shoulders - right and left.
    the essay i'm supposed to have finished for today is incomplete, as is this other assignment.
    mornings, especially early ones, leave my mouth pasty and dry - tasteless.
    the dreams i had were distatsteful. dreams of sex - eager and rushed - and abandonment.

    today, being valentines, is a tricky one. i stopped celebrating it after i realized that i could never express as much love as what was expected of me. pay no mind to me i can not show love. after experiencing the guilt (imposed) and spending a february fourteenth with an ex and his new partner, i lost any feeling i had for valentines day.

    when i was fifteen i sat in parking lot after parking lot. the tears streamed down my face and his. the words are still echoing: you don't love me enough, you don't love me like i love you, why won't you love me forever, you don't love me at all. it was then - i stopped believing in always and forever.

    driving to calgary once with mister i'll love you forever, i'll love you for always (nearly) ended in disaster. i think it was in brooks when i was trying to figure out if it would be easier for me to walk home or to the desired destination. standing on the edge of that highway, after stepping out of that car, i was rage filled - fists clenched. we were fighting and he was going to leave me there; i was fine with not seeing him again. he pulled away, only to stop several metres ahead. i suppose, in a sense thankfully. there was still an hour and a half of driving ahead of us though; he would make use of every second of it. i'll love you forever, i'll love you for always.

    with love,

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