I've realised my purpose
ok, i've slept for a few hours and I've awoken with pure thought. This hurt, this pain that i've felt the past few days, it's familiar to me.... and it doesn't go away. it always lays within myself, still and lifeless until it's resurrected again. I can't make it go away, i've tried everything except for what I must do. The past few months I've had nightmares and I think it's all been leading to this. I've had visions of different ways of me being killed, car accident, explosions, falling elevator shaft, stabbed, posioned, drowning, driven into the ocean, and finally suffocated. No one seems to understand... and they really couldn't care any less about me. The only people who want to talk to me are creditors. I've tried in the past, and i've failed.... I tried the knife...I've put a gun to my head but I always get stopped or the bloody mess scares me straight, i've tried overdosing and poisoning, only to wake up in a hospital sick, i've even tried recking my car and contemplated jumping off of my fire escape. There is ain in all of those... and what I need is something quick and painless. my pain is too much for me to bear and nobody cares, nobody did. My mom just doesn't know what to do, or how to react and she can't be there to save me all the time. I have no friends... no job, no money, no life...all i'm doing is breathing and taking up space.... I can't sit around and wait to die anymore. As I write this and think about what I'm saying, i think of all the newspapers articles about kids who state they are about to commit suicide and others laugh... feel free to laugh. You just don't really know me and that ignorance makes you laugh and it's because of that ignorance that I won't be hurt by your laughter. No one can sink me down any frther. I know some might think this is because my girlfriend left me and it isn't. She was the only girl to ever try and care... at least in the beginning she did, but thats gone too. So i'm left with nothing. The only solution I can devise to die quick and pain free is to blind fold myself and use earplugs and lay on an express train track. The sheer weight will be so quick... and blocking those two sense will make it much easier so I won't chicken out. At the same time I think of commiting crimes till I get lethal injection.... but no one else deserves to get hurt because of my pathetic life. I'm just wasting tax dollars, wasting my mothers energy and wasting everyone else's time. I won't have me... and if no one else will have me then i'm just better off dead. I'm sorry, I just want this pain to end for good. I have no one to listen to me.... I tried telling everyone.... begging for help, it only pissed people off, it made them leave me, now I choose to leave myself. This is the best way to get rid of my pain, no more betrayal, no moretears, no more aggravation, nobody has to worry about anymore negative things from me. For those who don't know me, don't think those who are relieved are losing anything positive.
"What have I become, my sweetest friend,
Everyone I know goes away, in the end"