| Current mood: | thirsty |
| Current music: | 50 cent - Patiently Waiting |
If you think I'm gonna fucking fall off..
I've been pretty obsessed with this song lately. I don't even know what that's about. I was changing Trent's diaper today and I started singin' it out of nowhere. Course I bleeped out the cuss words. *laughs* I guess I finally understand why Brody said that no one should cuss around Nathan. Just doesn't.. feel right. So if you come around my kids, don't cuss. I'm puttin' my foot down. Whoa, that was pretty damn fatherly.
I still haven't talked to Paul yet. I need to though, cause I seriously don't know if he's still pissed at me. Him and Jess seem to be doin' okay though. So I guess that's good. I'd just like to know if maybe we can start talkin' and shit like we used to.
I feel out of the loop, I don't know what's going on anymore. I barely talk to Benj, I barely talk to Brody.. or Billy, Paul, and Chris. The only thing I've been doin' is paying attention to my wife and babies. Which of course is a good thing to do, but shit, I miss talkin' to everyone. Benj told me what happened with dad.. it took awhile to get Benj to finally tell me what happened. I don't know what's goin' on with him lately. I feel like we're falling apart and I don't even know how the hell it happened. He's got this crazy idea in his head that I don't wanna hear about his problems so he's not gonna burden me with them. I've never.. fuckin' thought hearing about his problems was a burden. What hurts him, hurts me. We're twin brothers, there's a bond we have that I thought we'd always have. But lately it feels like it's falling apart. I don't know. Benj, if you read this, I think we really need to talk about this shit and get it worked out. I'm sick of you keepin' me an arms length away from you and not telling me what's going on in your life. We just gotta fix it.
I still can't believe that asshole had the guts to show his face and ask for money. If I were Benj, I woulda beat the shit outta him too. This guy may be my dad, but I'll never understand him.
I didn't sleep very well last night. I was too busy worryin' my ass off about everything going on. I'd roll over and hug Mandy close to me, but it just didn't help. So I got up and went for a walk.. amazing how I can go for a really long fuckin' walk and still not be able to get rid of the worry. I'm worried about Benj, I'm worried about our relationship. I'm worried about Mandy, that maybe when she said she doesn't feel like she missed out on anything by getting married and starting a family this quickly.. that maybe she does feel like she missed out. Sometimes I wonder if we shoulda waited, if maybe we jumped into this too quickly. Talkin' to her yesterday about how she feels like she has to put aside the way she acts and be serious all the time, I had the sudden urge to just.. take away the babies and let her have time to herself. I know that sounds stupid. And no I never wanna take away the kids from Mandy. It's just like, I wanted to just put it on hold until she felt like she was ready to "act like a mom" as she put it. But who's to say how a mom should act? Who says a mom's gotta be all serious and mature all the time? I think that's just some fucked up picture society's placed on how a mom and wife should be. But I love the way Mandy is. I love how she is right now. I don't want her to ever change. When we first found out she was pregnant, I had this picture in my head of her bein' with our babies and watching cartoons with them down on the floor. Hell, even singing along with the songs. That's the picture I've always had of her. And yeah, of course she'll do all the motherly things that a mom should do. But to also know how to let loose and just be herself and have fun with life. I think any kid would be lucky to have a mom like that.
Aight I think I'm kinda rambling here. We're goin' overseas pretty soon. This break didn't last long enough. I feel like I got nothin' accomplished. I wanted to visit Sarah, I wanted to visit mom and let her finally see her grandkids, I wanted to go to our house in SC and get it all straightened up. I haven't gotten any of that done and it pisses me off. Not to mention the fact that I feel like I've barely spent any time with Mandy at all. All this free time, I don't know where the hell it went.
Ah well. Goin' overseas is gonna be fun, I know. Plus Mandy and the kids are coming along. So I'm even more thankful for that.
Oh, and Happy Birthday to Kyle hope you had a good birthday. And don't let those assholes at your school get you down. You're better than that.
(Read comments)
|
