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Wow, Haven't been here in a long while. I just checked my gmail, in I don't know how many days, and a request came from  shared_solitudeThis is where you can get all the recaps on my life. Here is the brief over view. Christopher and I had a wonderful christmas, and then jetted off to Las Vegas for the new year. We had an amazing time, and everything seemed to be perfect between us. I typed correctly when I wrote seemed. We came home on the Jan 2nd. I had to work on the 3rd and 4th, off for the 5th and 6th then worked 7th-9th. On the tenth of this month, Christopher dropped a bombshell in my lap. "I can't see a life for myself that involves children." I love you...and all that other stuff ended with the BIG butt. He has called me every day since his big announcement of self discovery, and we have a "date" tomorrow. I cried for, three days straight. On the third day he came over to my house. He had blood shot swollen eyes, that mirrored mine. We huged when we first saw eachother. We talked for a bit, and then hugged good-bye, I couldn't leave it at that, so I kissed him good-bye on the cheek, my lips hit the corner of his lips, and we ended up kissing eachother. I do believe his words, and for some reason I feel that this whole situation is my fault. I never allowed him the opportunity to get to know my kids in any shape form or fashion.. In my effort to protect the kids, he said good-bye, souly because he thinks all kids are the same. We have plans to see eachother tomorrow, to actually go out. I want to avoid the elephant that sits in the center of the living room, and pretend that his words were never said. While I am not in denial over his words, I think that there was something bigger that he didn't say. We got to the point of no return on our trip. He has been hurt so many times, and I think that he was only preserving his heart, out of fear that I would hurt him. This is just my idealogical view on things. I really think that I hit the nail on the head, when I told him exactly what I thought. He was silent for a very long while trying to digest the words that perhaps he wasn't even willing to visit. His words, "My barometer, says that I have to tell you this." "My barometer says your barometer is broken, and while you say it is about the kids. I think that this is about something bigger. Everytime you have gotten to this point in a relationship you ended up hurt." Long silence on his part. My sobbing could be heard in the background, while he thought. "That is a pretty good point that I hadn't thought of, but I did seek council on this issue so I think I am pretty clear on how I feel." I've decided that I don't believe his words. His actions haven't given me any reasons to believe that he can't be apart of my life. Of course he says he has pledged to live a life that is celebate for the next year. He doesn't know, but I have pledged a life committed to him for the next year. This plan is indepth, and its whole purpose is to give him the space that he needs. It also encompasses him finding me irresistable and something that his heart can't live without. Two people can't meet, like we did, date for nearly 8 months and not have one disagreement, also having laughter be our best partner...sharing everything about each other and go throught the difficulties we have, to let this all end....for no reason. I have heard his reasoning, and believe him. I'm not letting go just yet. I don't think he wants me to let go. If he was done, believe you me, I know he would have been done. We wouldn't have a date tomorrow, or for that mattter he wouldn't be calling me. This girl knows what she prayed for, and saw her prayers answered. He wasn't praying for me when I took hold of his life. I'm not going to let go as easily as he wants me too. He doesn't know how much this girl loves him. The ball is still in his court. He is going to have to come after me, and be surprised that I didn't go anywhere. Post a comment in response: |
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