My Heart Speaks (iwishyouknew) wrote, @ 2004-09-15 00:16:00

Just thinking,
You know all to well I've been feeling really great these days.

I have finally come to a conclusion.

There is a man who is living his life, he shares half of my DNA. I have never seen his face, and don't know anything about him. I lived a life geared towards making him finally want him to be a part of my life.

Somehow, I got it in my head that I was worthless, if My own father didn't want me.

The night Christian was born, mom and I were out taking a break. Mom confessed that she wanted to get back in touch with him, my sperm donor. Somehow, mom thought that if he were a part of my life, it would help me.

I don't know how many nights I have cried over this little fact in my life. How unworthy am I? He doesn't even want to be apart of my life, the life he created. I have finally come to the conclusion, that no matter how hard he tries to be a man, he is still a scared 18 year old boy, and terrified to face the decisions he made in the past.

For so long, I took his decisions to heart and made them apart of who I am. I finally realized, that night Sept 3, 2004, I am not the product of anyones decisons, I am a product of myself. What he chooses to acknowlede or not has no baring on who I am. All of his kids know I exist, and am more than certain would wish that I wasn't the truth that is their father's deep dark secret.

I am certain that he is the daddy, I always dreamed of having. Just by listening to him talk about his kids, I knew he was a great dad to them, or as great as he could be to them with what he had to offer.

It seems out of all of his kids, I am the only one that did anything he could be proud of. I have a brother and two sisters. I have a nephew ....and maybe more additions to the family that I perhaps know nothing of. My reality is I have this whole part of my life I know nothing about.

Living in my reality, I finally came to this conclusion. I love my sisters and brother. More than likely I will never meet them. I don't care to meet the man who donated half of my DNA. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to me the man I've been told I look so much like. I just don't care to know him.

I'd like to know my siblings, though.

I am no less a whole person for not knowing him or them. My life is fine just the way it is, and I am doing fine. I have learned you don't need to be acknowlegded to be complete.

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