I know I should be home
i don't know. maybe i want to be one of those people who has no real close friends, who only sees people sociably and isn't the first name in everyone's heads when thinking who to invite to various events. am i too willing to give myself away to these people, to think that my spectre should rest in them and i should be "their friend" and be asked, "are you going out on friday/monday/saturday/thursday."
the last time i got chased up was this barbeque on saturday. i loved the people going, missed them dearly and felt a more-than-weak pull that they actually wnated me to be there. so why didn't i show? i'm certainly not just enjoying being stuck in this wallowy friends-less atmosphere. it's just i've become so fiercly introverted, i ignore people on the street because i'm so terrified of not having anything to say to them.
this is why i feel such strong gratitude when people ask me how i've been just out of the blue, and tell me they miss me. it doesn't happen. i thought maybe it's because i always meet new people when i'm already with other people. like, oh i don't know. james knew i was separate to the other two but he's already gone and forgotten about me, i'm not even a friend anymore in his eyes. someone he sees sometimes? even though i try my best to go to every gig he has. to see him! for him only to not mention my name on some crappy friends list on his flaming myspace profile. it's not that though, that's not as sad as it sounds. it's confirmation i'm not on his mind anymore. it's all right for them, they have their groups of friends. I have to rely on my singular friends to ask me out for good times but they don't always bring it. my friends are slowly but strongly breaking off into their little groups and my little space on the venn diagram is getting squeezed smaller and smaller.
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